Apr. 16th, 2014

morethanthese: (Default)
I -

I really do not deserve to be in a relationship of any kind.

I realized that, even if I weren't aromantic, it would be wrong of me to qualify any of my feelings as romantic because I am not capable of healthy relationships. I'm either too selfish or too concerned with not being selfish.

I wish I could have someone whose problems were the same as mine and not the total opposite (like, someone whose problems didn't involve being triggered by my own). I wish I could have someone who finds my problems fascinating and wants to hear about them. Someone who, if I complained and cried at them, would consider it giving both ways - I'd give them things that interest them to hear about, they'd give me the attention I'd need. I want someone who is generally non-emotional except when getting excited about our mutual interests (because frankly getting over-excited about things that interest one is great). Someone who does get frustrated and upset with things but chooses to keep it inside, partly due to personal preference, partly due to interest in not being rude or selfish or inconsiderate of others. I would love that that person would be so good at controlling their emotions and so considerate of the effects of their emotions on others. I would want to learn how to do that, maybe. Maybe I'd become fascinated with that person. They would be fascinated with me at first, and then I would be fascinated with them.

I can't believe I'm saying something to the effect of "this is my ideal person" because I never used to think like that. Maybe my ideal person is essentially me but with what I want to be thrown in. I am exactly narcissistic enough for that.

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