morethanthese: (Default)
Trigger warning: Frequent mentions of depression and suicide

I've been worried about what will happen if Hannibal is cancelled and Season 3 doesn't happen. Because it's something of a realistic possibility.

I mean I know the episodes that have already been made aren't going anywhere (nor are the episodes from Season 2 that have yet to show) and neither is the fandom (I hope. Dear god, I HOPE.)

But I'm scared because while I'll still have those things,

all I can think of is how badly i was doing before i started watching hannibal

all i can think of is how i was sad because i felt disconnected from all my other interests and how i wanted a new fandom but i didn't know what that fandom would be

all i can think of is how i told my friend that i couldn't play a joke for april fools' because all my other jokes had been tumblr and facebook posts in which i basically loudly and exaggeratedly denounced whatever my interest or "thing" was at the time (one year it was doctor who, another it was writing) only to point out it was april fools' and how nothing i did this year would be funny because i didn't have any particular interest or "thing" at the time and the only "thing" i had was being suicidal and depressed, and "guess what guys I'm not suicidal or depressed anymore and life is beautiful and i enjoy living! jk april fools" just isn't funny and then sometime after april fools was over and i was into hannibal, i pointed out that if i had to make that post again, it would have been about hannibal

i'm nervous and i am getting ridiculously worked up over something so small and who knows, maybe if the show ends i won't end up going back where i was before it and maybe i'm worried over nothing and hannibal won't be cancelled after all but all i know is that i don't KNOW what's going to happen and if hannibal ends up being cancelled after all then i genuinely don't know what's going to happen to me


I had to walk around the room wearing my shock blanket and clutching my stuffed dog whilst Dr. L (oh, the irony) and I had to go through a plan as to what to do if Hannibal does end up being cancelled.

"If Hannibal ISN'T cancelled," he began, "what will you do?"

"Be happy," I said. "Everything will go on as normal."

"And if it IS cancelled, what will you do?"

"I'll be really upset."

"What will you do about that?"

"Try to stay in the fandom if it still exists. Re-watch the old episodes, read fanfiction. Maybe get into another fandom."

"What fandom will you get into?"

I don't remember the exact exchange that took place right after that but I somehow settled upon Attack on Titan as my next fandom. (I don't even know how I came to that but whatever.)

"So if Hannibal does not get past Season 2," said Dr. L, "you will be upset, but then you will re-watch episodes of the show, you will read fanfiction for it, and you will watch Attack on Titan."

"Yeah, what else can I do?"

"And you believe that, if the show is cancelled, you'll be depressed like you were earlier?"

"I don't know but it's likely."

"In which case, your plan seems about as good as any plan could be in the face of this situation."
morethanthese: (cabin pressure)
I talked to someone I vaguely know about my relationship problems today. She suggested that I break up the relationship. Weirdly enough, now that I've had someone literally verbally (this was an IRL conversation) talk to me about this, I feel more like carrying on with it than anything else. I think it's because it's been acknowledged in real life. (I had previously only talked to Jared about it, and only once, and over text.) That makes it real. That means I can choose whatever I want with it.


I was doing some research on tulpas today for various reasons, and...I think Dr. L might be a tulpa. Actually, maybe all my facets are tulpas. I know the defining characteristic of a tulpa is that one creates them on purpose, but what if I created them on accident? Tea has said that he's the way he is because that's how I see the character as whom he started out. Dr. L is insistent that he's just a part of my mind come to life but some of our interactions have been like nothing so much as me trying to visualize him and me controlling certain aspects of him (such as how similar he is to Dr. Lecter - again, a character as whom he started out, although also a character from whom he consciously deviated). Maybe I was creating or shaping them and it was totally unconscious.

I think I might try to create one on purpose now. I'm going to wait, though. I want to get a little underway with Dr. L (and Tea - he's come back lately, bidden for totally unexpected reasons, and he's changed a little bit. Not necessarily for the better. During the time he was back, he dissociated, and I think we need to address that.)

Maybe I've finally found a word for what has been going on in my head.
morethanthese: (Default)
I was gone for a bit and a series of events happened.

Among other things, my facets returned (well, some of them did - two new ones appeared, too). They stayed for a while and while they're apparently/probably all here, the most-recently appearing facet (and the only one who was not in my system in any way until now) seems to have become the main facet now.

He calls himself Dr. L and he's a psychologist. He identifies himself as a part of my mind (specifically my capacity for reason and solving my own problems and helping myself) that has been given (by me, or so was the implication) the ability to talk to me as though it were another person.

We've been having "sessions" after a fashion in a room in what I call my Mind Palace (that is, I imagine I'm in a particular place, and he's there too, and we talk in it whenever I need to go over something and it can't be done when he's just a voice in my head). We're currently in the process of exploring my Mind Palace. If/when I make more posts, I'll post about that.

Also, I'm writing another novel and I might post about that as well. And I've gotten into the TV show Hannibal, which I would say is giving me a crisis (much like OFF did) but it's not causing me any sort of distress, so I can't properly call it a crisis. It's interesting though. (And for those who are wondering - yes, Dr. L has modeled himself after Dr. Lecter. But he claims he isn't actually Hannibal Lecter but has merely taken on "the accidents of Dr. Lecter" - he's using "accidents" in the sense of "the physical aspects of that don't inherently make the thing what it is".)

So yeah. That's happening. That's what I might talk about if I continue to talk about things.
morethanthese: (Default)
It's been getting better, not having my facets. There are a few regards in which I'm better off now, really.

Firstly, I can take credit for everything my body does. In the past, it used to be that one of my facets would do something helpful or good and people would thank me, and I'd accept the thanks but feel bad about it because it wasn't really me, it was Martin or the Doctor or whoever. But now, since everything I do is actually done by me, I can take all the credit. I'm more accountable for everything I do, and in my case, this is a good thing.

Also, for the facets of mine who were fictives (and most of them were fictives), I can now watch/read/listen to their source material without them having problems with it. I've been listening to a lot of Welcome to Night Vale lately because I realized that Cecil didn't like it when I listened to it (something about hearing it made him really self-consciously uncomfortable, like having to stare into a mirror for twenty-five minutes and contemplate the fact that you're looking at yourself). Now that no one in my head is going to be bothered by it, I can listen to it as much as I like.

I don't have anyone in my head making silly or dumb decisions that we think is a good idea at the time but turns out not to be. I don't have to deal with disrupting my conversations or anything. I don't have to deal with anyone's thoughts infringing upon my own. Possibly best of all, all my memory is my own. I don't have to have other people's memory taking up my own memory, and I've been able to really remember things lately. My short-term memory has improved, and that's amazing, because I used to have terrible short-term memory.

You know, in a way, it's almost like being free.
morethanthese: (Default)
The other day, I found out an interesting and helpful fact about my Sherlock facet.

He is extremely good with organizing things and staying focused while doing so.

I'd spent about a full week away from home, and when I returned, I found all my presents from Christmas, still in my room in the relative disarray in which I left them. I had to put them all somewhere, and I didn't want to do it.

Then, bam, Sherlock facet comes out and takes over. He analyzed the situation, determined where to put certain things, and he put them there. He was so keen on organizing things that he straightened up and put away some objects that weren't even part of the Christmas aftermath. (For example, he cleaned up and got rid of a lot of stuff in the bathroom drawer in which I keep my toothbrush. He threw away the things in there that I didn't need and reorganized the things that I did. Likewise, he cleaned up much of what's on my desk.)

Sherlock hasn't been out for a while, but when he does come out, he's really helpful and I get a lot done.
morethanthese: (Default)
I've been having these really bizarre moments of self-awareness lately. And it's not pleasant self-awareness. It's the sort of thing where you realize that you exist and everything you're doing and have done have happened to an actual person and that person is you and everything gets existential for a bit and you can't quite get over it for a while.

The first incident was on Tuesday. It was night, and I was at my grandparents' house like I usually am on Tuesday nights. My grandparents were asleep, and I went to the bathroom and noticed myself in the mirror. Maybe it's because they have a lot of mirrors in their bathrooms so I saw myself reflected more times there than I'd see myself reflected in most bathrooms, but I saw myself in the mirror and thought, "This is me. This is the body I pilot. I am looking at a human's body, and it is my own. It is the one associated with me. This is me. I see actually me in the mirror." And it was one of those moments and I had to leave the room and just sort of calm down for a bit.

The second incident was on Wednesday. I was in a bathroom again and I saw myself in a mirror again, and the same thing happened. Not quite as intensely, but it happened.

The third incident was on Thursday. I was trying to wake up my Arthur Shappey facet, because we were finally going to do a "cookie party" at my aunt and uncle's house that I had promised Arthur we'd do (he likes Christmas and I asked him if he wanted to do "Christmas stuff" with me, and this was the most appealing "Christmas thing"). He was sort of there but not entirely, and I wanted him to be there to enjoy it, but it just wasn't working. And then I realized how weird it is I have people in my head and how they're not really associated with my body, they're associated with my mind. And it was just so weird and I realized the surreality and weird layer of existence associated with them.

There was a bit more about Thursday than just that, though. It was also on Thursday that I realized, after two days of writing-related difficulty, that my characters didn't feel real to me and never quite had. There's a certain extent to which I'm willing to stretch my definition of "reality". I accept the world around me as real in the sense of physical reality. I accept the things in my head, like my facets, as reality in my head - you might call it head-reality. I accept religious things like God and angels as real in not just a physical sense (in that they are things that exist not just in my head) but also in a surpassingly-physical sense - like a super-reality, one might say. I accept stories and fiction as reality in their own contexts - not like I actually think things like A Wrinkle in Time or The Great Gatsby or Doctor Who happened with real people, but I accept them as having a sort of continuity that makes them "real" in their own contexts. There's different kinds of real.

Anyway, I'd been having trouble with my writing. I didn't feel motivated to write, and I didn't care about the story. I kept productive during those two days by writing some details about one character's backstory (or rather, things he did before the story's start) that would help me further the story's point if they actually appeared in the story, but I don't think I'm going to be able to conveniently work them into the story. I don't think that's what made me come to my realization, but I did realize that I hadn't been able to see my characters as real. I was invested in them and their relationships, but I didn't feel like they were real. I didn't believe in them. And as a writer, you have to believe in your characters and you have to think they're real on some level. It just wasn't working for me.

I told all my grandpa about this today while I was hanging out with him. He asked me how I was going to deal with it. I thought about it for a moment and said, "I'm going to stay away from mirrors." He laughed. I went on.

"I think I'm going to dissociate for a bit," I said. "I live in pretty much a constant state of dissociation - just doing things and not really thinking that it's me who's doing them. Just doing them. I think the reason other people don't think about these things like I do is because they're busy doing their own lives and not thinking about the fact that they're the ones doing them, that they're actually them, doing things in their bodies, in this reality. So I'm going to distance myself from the fact that I exist and just think about other stuff. Which is kind of the exact opposite of my problem. It's kind of ironic."

(My grandpa thought this was all quite interesting, and he said something to the effect that this is why he likes talking to me. We can get curiously philosophical together.)

That's been my experience with realizing that I'm real and that I exist and I pilot a body in the physical world and weird stuff like that. Interesting stuff to think about, as long as you don't have to think about it for too long.
morethanthese: (tea 1)
Let me tell you about yesterday, because yesterday was awesome and there's a bit of negativity going on right now and I'd like to relive the good stuff.

Yesterday started with me going to school and having to unexpectedly say goodbye to my English class and everyone in it. I made a journal entry about that earlier. That wasn't so good, but I left about as well as I possibly could, by which I mean I said what I needed to say to whom I needed to say it, and that was pretty good. It was better than I would have done in years past. Also, I found out my grade. I got 103%. My teacher told me he "[didn't] know how that's mathematically possible", but I got it. No matter what I bugger up in the future (because I've been feeling like a general failure lately), I got a 103% in my English class, and no one can take that away from me.

Well, things got even better immediately after I left class, because I remembered there was going to be a stress relief event at school in which some people who keep therapy animals would come and bring their animals for the students to pet. It was called "Paws For Stress Relief", and it was so benefit all those stressed-out students who are taking their finals. I had originally been under the impression that there were just going to be dogs there, but when I got there, I found out there were also rabbits. This is huge for me. I love rabbits. A lot. There was one particular little black bunny who I really liked and who really liked me. (Her handler jokingly accused me of "hogging the bunny", which was accurate.) There was also a piano in the room, and after I pet all the dogs and rabbits, I was allowed and even encouraged to play the piano. I played two original songs and one They Might Be Giants song, and everyone liked it.

Trigger warning for discussion of sexual harassment. )

Then I had my math class, which turned out way better than I'd expected. I think I did really well on the test (we had a take-home, and my math-loving cousin and I did it together, and we apparently got everything right). We then studied with problems the teacher wrote on the board for us to work out together. I understood most of the material, and I was even able to explain much of it to my fellow classmates. I was able to explain math to other people. This is huge. I'm rubbish at math. But I did the math and I explained it to other people, and I think that as long as I do some studying and remember what formulas to do with what sort of problem, I'll do well on the test.

After school, I took the bus to my grandparents', as I usually do on Tuesdays. I ended up having a conversation with someone on the bus, which was interesting. Conversations with people on the bus are something that happens sort of a lot in my life, and I like that. I nearly missed my stop, but when I got there, my grandpa was waiting for me. He took me to my aunt's school. I had a psychologists' appointment to get to, and it was more convenient for my aunt to take me there than anything else. A bit of a stressful conversation took place in the car on the way there, and I talked to my psychologist a bit about it.

Mostly my psychologist and I talked about viewpoint and the way people/I view things. I was telling her about what was going on with me, and we both understood a lot of it was a matter of perspective, but I couldn't help having my perspective. I couldn't help feeling like I was losing something that had been good in my life when I left my English class today, because I don't understand how the permanent end of something good isn't a loss. I couldn't anticipate my future classes as another "adventure" (the term she used) because I don't know enough to be able to imagine those upcoming scenarios, and until I experience them, I won't have enough information to do that, and you can obviously imagine why I'm not going to be able to do anything in-between now and those classes to help me imagine and look forward to those classes. I basically can't help viewing things in a somewhat negative light because I actually think and I consider things and I see things for what they are, and I know that I can't see things as something they're not and I know that I can't properly imagine things if I have no experience with them.

The most interesting thing, at least to me, was that I told her about my facets. We were talking about how I have some disordered behaviors that might be really actually disordered in other people but that I can somewhat control, but I told her that one of these things was something that was sort of like "controlled multiple personality disorder". I then explained how my facets are like parts of my personality personified or fictional characters I'd absorbed into my personality, the fact that I call them "facets" and why, and how they help me. Not only did she think it was okay, she thought they were good. She asked me if there was a facet that could have helped me during the stressful conversation from earlier. I realized there was (Martin), and when I realized there was, I told her I'd bring him up next time the situation came up. The conversation with my aunt was resumed after the meeting, and I was able to get Martin to help me. Also, while Martin was out, we/he made a decision that I wouldn't have ordinarily made but that I recognized as a good one. Maybe I should get my facets to help me make decisions more often.

When we got to my grandparents' house to have me spend the night there, my grandpa was asleep, but he woke up after we rang the doorbell enough times, and he let me in. I studied there, using Powerpoints I downloaded from my history teacher. I knew almost all the questions on my history review off the top of my head, which was pretty heartening. Also, I discovered that listening to glam rock music makes me feel really good about myself, so I listened to a bunch of it that night. (Also I may or may not have consumed too much ice cream, something my grandparents usually have in abundance, and I am not ashamed.)

When my grandma came home from her Bible study, she gave me a porceline figurine of a Scottie dog for no real reason. It was supposed to go with the porceline figurine of a corgi, which I have in my room at their house. (I spend the night there often enough so that I have my own room.) I was really happy about this - it made my already pretty good day even better - and I related to her at length the things I did that made my day so good. She was happy about them, and she then showed me something that made my day profoundly better.

I should first explain what the Ashland Shakespeare Festival is. It's a theater festival that takes place in a town called Ashland, in the state of Oregon (I live in California, for reference). It's mostly centered around productions of Shakespeare, but there are other plays there sometimes. My grandparents have taken me there on summer road trips in the past. Well, my grandparents subscribe to a newsletter sort of thing that is sent out by the folks that put this event on. It has information about upcoming plays and stuff. It lets them know what's going to be performed there and stuff.

Well. Apparently there's going to be a production of A Wrinkle in Time. The world premiere of a stage adaptation of A Wrinkle in Time.

You probably don't know how big a deal this is for me. A Wrinkle in Time is my Actual Favorite Book and it's meant a lot to me for a very long time and I saw the film, but the film was infinitely disappointing. If I see the play next summer (which is possible), I will get to see a visual adaptation of it that quite likely doesn't suck.

After a bit of verbal keymashing and screaming over seeing A Wrinkle in Time listed on the list of plays they're putting on next summer, I showed my grandma and explained it to her. She was excited for me, because she knows what a big deal that book is for me. I told her that, if she and my grandpa got me literally nothing else for Christmas but tickets to see that, I would consider that a really really huge present. I think they're going to consider that and probably do it.

My grandma went to bed soon after this conversation, and I went back to my activity of studying, wasting time on the internet, and listening to glam rock. Oh, and drawing. I ended up drawing this. It's OFF-related.

It's under a cut because it's a sort of longish comic. )

So that was my day yesterday. Today, nothing's really happened other than the completion of some last-minute history homework. Oh! And I'm going to go to a party tonight. It's a church party. A Christmas party, actually. Even though I'm a college student, I hang out with the high school group at my church on Sundays (it's because I have some high school-age friends who I understand very well - these are Ashley and Rebecca, the twins - and it's beneficial for me to help them translate their ideas in the small group that meets after the sermon). The high schoolers have a tradition where each small group will make a funny music video, and we'll watch them at the Christmas party, where the leaders will judge them. The winners will get a prize. It's a fun thing and we all like it. My group did a video for "I'll Make a Man out of You" from Mulan, because that's the sort of thing we appreciate and that everyone else will likely appreciate. I've got an outfit picked out for the event, too (because I like dressing up for events) - burgundy cardigan, brown leather jacket, white shirt, blue bow tie. And jeans and shoes and stuff.

So my life went very well yesterday, it's going well today, and it'll probably go well tomorrow, too. Brilliant.
morethanthese: (Default)
Last night, I asked Sofya if it was okay if my facets start talking to her. Because I've had times where my facets wanted to talk to people while I was talking to them, because there was something they wanted to say, but I couldn't let them speak because the person didn't know about my facets, it would have weirded them out, it was unexpected, etc.

So I asked my friend Sofya if my facets could say things in conversation if they want to. She said it was okay as long as I specified who was talking. I would have done that anyway. It'll be a BIT harder to tell her who's talking when they come out IRL, because I've had situations where my facets said something while I was talking and I didn't even realize it, but I'm going to be more mindful of when they speak (especially now that I recognize them as sort-of people rather than just modes I go into sometimes).

Later in our conversation, Sofya asked me if talking to my facets meant that she's going to have new friends now. I thought about it and told her that this wasn't an inaccurate description. She got very excited about this. It was really pleasant to see her excited about this, and I'm excited for my facets. Some of them are friends with each other, and all of them are more-or-less friends with me, but now they might make friends with people outside of our system.

So basically, my friend is excited and I don't know if my facets are excited, but I'm excited for them, and that makes me really happy and this is all really pleasant.
morethanthese: (Default)
Last night was a good night for facets.

I was Skyping my friend Sofya and we were talking about things, and somehow the subject of my facets came up, and she soon thereafter mentioned (for totally unrelated reasons) that she was going to practice drawing stuff and she would draw me pretty much anything I liked. I requested that she draw three of my facets (Eames, Timothy, and Amaliel, who tend to be the main originals, where "main" means "the ones who are out the most frequently"). She drew the three of them. When she was doing the outlines, it looked like this:

and when it was finished, it looked like this:

She now refers to these three as "the Babes" because this drawing turned out well. (That is her sort of logic.) Eames saw it, because he was out at the time, and he said, "Ahhhhyes that is hgood i like that." (He's got like a horrible sort of typing quirk.) He finds the nickname "the Babes" very amusing. (I later informed Tim and Mal; the former thought it was amusing too, and the latter didn't get it but he was okay with it.)

While Sofya was drawing, I talked to my grandma (because I was at my grandparents' house) and, somewhere in the conversation, facets came up. I was explaining to her that I have a "personality" in my head called Eames, and she wanted to hear more, so I told her about the rest of the individuals. Or rather, I told her about Eames, Mal, Timothy, and Betelgeuse. She really likes Amaliel, probably because she's a rather devout Christian and Amaliel is an angel. (He was originally a character from a story I was writing, but he became one of my facets. in the story, he's on a seven-year-mission on Earth to help people, spread God's word, and generally be a Very Nice Person. As a facet, he often comes out to help me explain my spiritual beliefs, mostly in small group with my church friends on Sundays.) She also really liked Betelgeuse (although she couldn't pronounce his name - fair enough, it's sort of strange - so she's calling him Bert, which is his "human name").

She told me a story about my childhood that Betelgeuse reminded her of. Apparently, when I was a very young child, we were at a library, and a woman there was reading stories to children. I wasn't really paying attention to that, because I'd already read that story many many times (I was reading at a very young age), and what I found interesting was the bottom of a particular girl's shoe. It was one of those shoes that have pictures on the bottom (sometimes kids' shoes have that), and I just found that incredibly fascinating. She compared it to how Bert finds small details and small things very interesting. Perhaps Betelgeuse is an expression of traits I have had since a very young age, compressed into an individual and given life because of how my brain works. Fascinating!

So yeah, that was yesterday and facets.

P.S. I am sitting in my room, in my dressing gown, with a cup of tea, with the heater on because it's sort of cold over here, with the satisfaction of having done absolutely all my homework as well as having registered and paid for next semester's classes and having absolutely nothing "responsible" that I should be doing instead. It's beautiful.

P.P.S. Sofya also drew me some OFF fanart. It looks like this: (trigger warning for blood)

Read more... )

(Also since crediting people is good I'm going to credit it her art here. She's my friend Sofya and I mentioned that and I should probably like give a link to her Tumblr or something here's such a link right then.)
morethanthese: (Default)
I found myself having to be rather brave today. Or, rather, I found myself having to deal with things I didn't want to deal with or else preparing myself to deal with such things. Or, rather, I did a large number of things that would have taken tremendous bravery for me to have done not so long ago.

It started when I had to give a presentation in my English class, which would have been quite alright had it not been for the fact that I hadn't prepared for it, I didn't exactly know what I would do until my fellow presenters talked to me in class, and the only reason I wanted to be in that group was because I would get to finally have a practical use for some charts I'd found on Tumblr. We're reading a book called How to Lie with Statistics, and for extra credit, we can present on a chapter of the book and make a presentation on what principle of "lying with statistics" it talks about. I did a presentation on a different chapter earlier, but when I found out there was a group doing a presentation on a chapter about the "correlation equals causation" fallacy, I wanted to work with them, too, because I found these charts on a semi-argument on Tumblr, which can be found here. (They're charts that were made to show that correlation does not equal causation, so they were basically a bunch of charts with really absurd correlations.) In our presentations, we had to discuss a modern-day application of the information given in the book, and I figured that pulling out something funny from an online argument was as modern as anything. Cecil, who had been out this morning and helped me pick out my outfit (because apparently he's normally good at giving fashion advice), helped me give the presentation as well. Or at least, I got him to help me because if he was going to be around, I figured I'd get him to help me do what he does best; that is, talk for other people. (When my facets help me, it's sort of like they're in my head while I have to do something that they're good at, and I get help from either knowing they're there or giving them a little bit of control in doing the whatever-it-is that needs to be done.)

The teacher and my classmates liked the presentation, and all was well. They also found my/Cecil's fixation on mountains amusing. Because there was a chart that compared a particular mountain range to the number of murders in New York, with astonishing similarity. And we kept saying surrealish things about mountains (my class is used to my surrealish comments) and, you know, we shut up when it was necessary. So nothing really bad happened there. However, after class, I found myself having to actually do some math homework that I didn't want to do. I decided not to do it and instead go to a taco shop that's near my school. This was at 10 AM. I took advantage of my really long break and went to get tacos at 10 AM. Ah, college life. Ah, not knowing what you're really doing anymore.

I went back after some time, found the building my next class was taking place in (it was history, and we were going to hear a lecture in another class). I suppose my resolve strengthened somewhat because I found myself doing my math homework while waiting for class to begin. I completed one chapter, which was pretty good for me. Ah, I realize I haven't explained: I am good at virtually all areas of academics except for math. I have never ever been good at math, and even though I'm in my college's equivalent of pre-algebra, I'm practically failing it. (I failed the last two test, and only the fact that our next test is a take-home test is likely to save my grade.) I'm deeply ashamed of myself, because I'm doing poorly academically, and...well, that's just an extremely shameful thing for me, for many reasons. And I've been really aversive to doing math since I failed that last test. But I did it, and that was rather brave of me.

It came time for the lecture, and that was interesting, but for no real reason, I started having flashbacks in the middle of the lecture. It wasn't like PTSD flashbacks, because I don't have PTSD, but every so often (more like "every day", really), I sort of relive certain memories of things that have happened to me. Yes, most of those things involve my mother's death and things that happened afterwards. And there was one event in particular, which I don't care to talk about, and I hadn't really thought about it for a while, but for no real reason, I just started reliving it, and I had a little freakout inside myself. Fortunately, I don't think I showed any signs of being upset, but it was hard to deal with because I needed some way to physically deal with the problem and I didn't know how. I've never really tried to deal with my flashbacks. Normally, it's enough to just let them happen, but I felt a real need to stop it, and I couldn't. I drew all over my arm with marker, which sort of worked. I'm not sure why that would work, but it did.

Well, I survived history, and I went on to math. Math...math took a deal of bravery, too, because I'm scared of my math class now. But I was able to pay attention in class and not freak out that much, and the material actually made sense to me. We're learning about radicals. That's all I want to say. (Oh. I avoided making "radical" puns, which was pretty good of me, because I'm strongly inclined to joke around in that class, and, embarrassingly enough, "radical" is something I sometimes say when I ought to say "cool", and...well, I suppose I don't have to say much more. That was good self-control of me.)

I was able to take the bus from school to my grandparents' house, because I spend Tuesday nights at my grandparents'. (Normally I stay up late there, because there's nowhere I need to be on Wednesday mornings, but these plans were not going to be fulfilled, as my dad told me this morning that he was taking me to get a flu shot tomorrow morning at a hospital near my grandparents'. I hate needles.)

Now, I used to be afraid of taking the bus all that distance (because it's rather a long ride) but now I can do it. No matter how many people filled the bus, I kept my little freakouts inside me and kept it together. I even talked to someone on the bus. (She was at the bus stop at my school. We both go there; we talked about our majors and books that we like.) There was also a point at which a lady got on the bus and stood at the front for lack of a seat, so I got up, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me, ma'am. You may have my seat if you like." She took it, and I felt pretty good about myself. I like being nice to people. Being nice to people is good.

When I got to my grandparents', the first thing I did was get online and register for my classes for next semester. Because I talked to my counselor about that, and we figured out what classes I was going to take. Today's the first day to register, and I like getting things done promptly. I was confident as soon as I logged onto the website. When I saw the forms I had to fill out for registering, I proceeded to freak out because I didn't quite know how to do it and I wasn't quite as prepared as I thought. But I figured it out, I filled out what I could, I had a question and so I looked up my counselor's number and called her, she answered my question, I went on, I registered. All I have to do is pay within three days.

I called my dad right afterwards, telling him I'd need him to pay (because he pays for my education, at least as of now), and we decided he'll help me pay for it online with his credit card, tomorrow. He also told me we're not getting flu shots tomorrow morning, because my sister isn't able to go, so we're going on Monday morning, because then we can all go together. Not only do I get to say up late, as I like to do, I don't have to do something that terrifies me. Like, it scared me so much I was "talking" to my facets and trying to figure out which of them was brave enough to help me do this. We decided that Martin Crieff had to do it, because he's the only one whose resolve to do what needs to be done - like doing something good for one's physical health - is anywhere near as strong as my fear of needles. I was going to see if I could summon him somehow (because he hasn't been coming out on his own for...kind of a while, and I can never really get his presence very strongly when I need him) but now we don't have to do that and that's really relieving.

I'm going to spend my night writing, doing poetry submissions (because I submit my poems and stories and stuff to literary magazines, some of which publish them), and using the internet. Alright. This'll be radical.
morethanthese: (Default)
This is a list of my facets. Most of them are fictives (i.e. they are/identify as fictional characters), though some of them are original (i.e. they originated in my mind). I'll list them accordingly, in alphabetical order. Note that some of them feel "more real" than others, and some of them have gone through stages of feeling more "real" than others (e.g. some of them are just fragments, some of them are sort-of people, some of them may well be real people, etc.) I'm not even going to specify which are which because it changes so often.

For the fictives, I'm also giving links to Wikis where one can read more about the character in question. (These would be links to Wikis specifically about the work of fiction these people are from.) Note that my facets may not be entirely like the characters they're modeled on, usually for good reasons (most of which involve having had experiences with me that caused them to undergo "character development", for lack of a better way of saying it).

This list is naturally subject to change as facets enter my head or leave it.

Amaliel - Originally a character I made up for a story. A very philosophical angel supposedly working on Earth to help the people on it. Continually convinced of the superiority of his interpretation of morality and God's will, but only because he’s thought it out so well; sometimes, it is proven wrong. He mostly comes out in my small group at church, when we discuss the sermon after it's given. He helps me explain my ideas. Sometimes goes by "Mal".

Betelgeuse - A personification of the star Betelgeuse. I made him up for a story, and it turned out that he was really, really good to have as a facet, because he has almost zero capacity for anxiety or nervousness, and he is really interested in his physical surroundings, no matter what they are, so you can literally put him anywhere where there’s physical stimuli and he won't get bored, tired, or anxious after being in the same place for like five hours.

Charlie - One of those early-teenage boys who's really enthusiastic about everything and friendly and likes reading whilst sitting in a pile of stuffed animals and stuff. Tends to experience my emotions for me, which is really helpful.

Eames - The main facet, kind of, not sure how much of what I do and say is me anymore and how much of it is Eames. A witty snarker who's low on empathy but high on nonsense, a "functional slacker", very fond of tea. He's caught in a state of perpetual nightblogging.

Jake the Serial Killer - I don't like to talk about Jake.

The Sargent - Doesn't mind seeing children cry. Helpful when I have to deal with them and they're not behaving. (Fun fact: she - the Sargent is apparently female - got her name from how my grandpa described my way of dealing with my three little cousins. She basically exists for scenarios like that.)

Timothy Whitman - A bit of a dandy and an actual nice guy. If I told you his personality was more or less a cross between Tom Hiddleston's and Oscar Wilde's, that might explain a lot about him. Very social, extraverted, kind to other people, fond of laughing.


Arthur Dent - I'm hesitant to add him because I'm not sure if he's a facet anymore or if hes just a part of my regular personality now. Mostly he comes out when I'm nervous or to discuss matters of tea or something like that. (Normally, he corrects people on their misperceptions of tea and when people are "doing in wrong" in regards to tea, etc.)

Arthur Shappey - Passenger with a hat. Likes helping people, seldom gets the chance to. Does so anyway. (Fun fact: he used to come out almost exclusively around my grandma, and he's still most likely to come around her. It possibly has something to do with the fact that she has his mother's name but she's much nicer.)

Cecil - The Voice of Night Vale. Likes making surrealistic, existential points of pretty much everything and reading things out loud. Also sometimes helps me make fashion choices.

Fourth Doctor - Not actually sure what he's doing here but he's here.

Eleventh Doctor - Never likes to see children cry. Helpful when I have to deal with them and they're being alright. Also very good at helping people and being kind to them and stuff. Good stuff.

Douglas Richardson - First officer with MJN Air. Marvelous at putting words together and having them sound nice, not so marvelous at making them polite. He came about as a way to handle social situations I didn't want to be in, ended up helping me put words together when I want to say something and have it sound nice (with the unfortunate result that some of what I said was laced with Douglas's typical sass and thus not keeping with the general politeness that the people around me like).

Ford Prefect - A roving researcher for that wonderful book, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Came about as a means for me to enjoy life and random events more than I already did, ended up being a surprisingly prevalent and not entirely helpful force in my partaking of social events.

Loki - The god of mischief and family issues. Fortunately, given that this incarnation of Loki is part of me and thus part of my family, he's really pleased with the family he's in and thus he actually helps me enjoy my family and see how great they are when I think and feel the opposite. This is the Marvel version of the character.

Martin Crieff - "I am the supreme commander of this vessel!" Semi-obsessed with responsibility. Used to be prone to breakdowns when unexpected stuff happened, but he's gotten better. Also, he used to say "I have control!" all the time until we realized that control was not what was always needed, so his catchphrase is now, "I've got this!"

Sherlock Holmes - High-functioning sociopath. Very focused, very objective, very likely to accidentally offend people. This is the BBC version of the character.
morethanthese: (Default)
There is a library at which I volunteer on Mondays, and when I volunteer there, I often have a lot of time to just work and think. When I think, I think about all sorts of things, and today I was thinking about my facets, and I came to an amazing and kind of gigantic conclusion.

I started by thinking about the fact that none of them really help people. Like, if they actually are people who are extensions of myself (as I am suspecting them to be), I expect them to live up to my standards and thus be useful and help other people. But they don't really do that. Other than the time Eames helped my friend Jared with his homework by giving an analogy of power to steak knives and the fact that Eleven might be the one running an in-character Doctor Who help blog after all, they don't really help anyone.

I then realized that it is pretty hard to help people when you're stuck inside another person's head, and then it hit me. My facets are stuck inside my own head, but from there, they do help someone. They help me.

Virtually all of them benefit me in some way. Loki helps me to be grateful for my family, Timothy always makes me happy when he's out, Martin helps me do tasks and be responsible, even Eames is kind of helpful because he doesn't worry about anything and he's good at being able to do things with minimal effort. And they do this for me. Maybe they don't all do it intentionally for me, but most of them, just by being themselves, help me do something. Most of them I brought into the world on purpose to help me, but they sort of took on lives of their own, so they're sort of people. I have about twenty facets. That's about twenty people who exist to help me, whose very existences help me, who help me constantly.

I have about twenty people whose existences are based on the premise that they can help me in some way.

They exist for me and only me. And not only do they help me, most of them want to help me.

It was an overwhelming thought, and I had to sit down and take some deep breaths and cry a little bit because wow. If my facets are all real people, then I have a bunch of people who live to help me. And if my facets are only sort-of people, then I still have a bunch of sort-of people who live to help me. And that's amazing.

(Also, yes, I've mentioned a bunch of people of whom you've never heard - like you don't know my facets or anything - but I'm going to make a list of them all and post it either today or tomorrow. I realize I've been doing that thing where I make a bunch of posts in the same day, and maybe that's not a great thing, but whatever. Since no one is reading this - not at this point, anyway - I don't suspect there's anyone to really care.)
morethanthese: (Default)
Hi, folks. This is my first entry. I'm relocating here from LiveJournal (where my username was noodledoctor). The reason I'm doing so is because 1. I was advised that, while LiveJournal isn't such a great site anymore, Dreamwidth is pretty good if one likes the format of LiveJournal, and 2. a bunch of things happened to me between the last time I was really active on LiveJournal and now. I feel like starting anew, with a new blog, a new site, a new name.

Before explaining what happened, I suppose I ought to give a little bit of explanation as to myself. Hello. I have a lot of names but I like the moniker of "Smithy", especially on the internet. I'm nineteen, I'm a student at a community college. I do writing (fiction and poetry; most of the fiction is speculative and most of the poetry is experimental). I'm a Christian and I guess you could say I'm "devout" (without being...well, extreme, I think is the word one might be looking for that describes what I'm not?) I'm in a lot of fandoms. I play ukulele rather badly and sing rather badly as well and write songs not quite as badly. I'm obsessed with helping people and doing things that benefit others. I have a bunch of mental illnesses/instances of not being neurotypical, but the main things that give me the most trouble are bipolar disorder and general anxiety disorder. I am really good at academics, to the point where it's the only thing I think I'm good at that matters. My mind is really messed up.

Alright. Now onto what happened.

This whole nonsense started in March of 2013, when my mother suffered a sudden brain aneurysm and died. No one expected this. It just happened. I was rather close to my mother (I live at home, with my immediate family, and I regularly see my extended family). I've heard other members of my family describe the event as "traumatic", and maybe I was traumatized, too, but I'm not really sure, because I experience emotions really really differently than a lot of people and things that ought to affect most people hugely don't really affect me.

My family structure changed radically after that, to the point where it feels like I practically have a different family. This isn't a bad thing, but it's really hard to get used to, even now in December, and there are a number of challenges involved here, not to mention some thoughts I've been having about my mother and some things I've been re-examining in regards to our interactions - things that are easier now that she's not in my life anymore.

Another thing that happened was the addition - or perhaps the discovery? - of a feature of my psychological landscape. For almost all my life, I've claimed to have "people in my head" - not in a "crazy person" way or even a "dissociative identity disorder" way. It's just that I've always had the feeling that there were other presences in my mind, like having your own fictional characters come to life or internalizing an idea in the form of a person, something like that.

However, this phenomenon (after a period of about a year where it wasn't really the case for me) resurfaced during the summer following my mother's death. I started wondering whether or not this was a case of multiplicity (that is, the phenomenon of having numerous people in one body or having numerous people in one's mind, where said people are actual people and not just ideas or presences or fragments of a person). I did a fair deal of research, and I decided that my situation wasn't that of actual multiplicity (because I didn't think the "people in my head" were actual people). Rather, they were more like personas and fictional characters I'd absorbed into my own personality. I called them "facets" because they had latched onto facets of my own thinking or behavior.

Most of them were fictional characters (I refer to them as "fictives", which is the term for one who identifies as a fictional character - maybe this isn't a good term, as it suggests a degree of personhood that I'm not sure they have, but it makes sense for me to use). Some of them were original. Some of them came about because I wanted behavior to emulate until it became my own (and it did become my own, when one of these facets were out); some of them came about because the character in question had had some experience that I identified with and I wanted to deal with the situation by becoming a character who had dealt with it themself; some of them came about because it was easier to express certain thoughts and behaviors in terms of someone else; some of them came about for no identifiable reason.

I went along, calling them my facets, and observing a limited degree of agency and autonomy in their actions and thoughts. (I can have mental conversations with them, although sometimes I have to direct their words and thoughts - because it is my mind they're using, and if I'm having a bit of difficulty with putting words together in my head, they'll have the same difficulty. My thoughts and words are a resource, and they use that resource.) A few of them have even shown up in conversation with other people (although I seldom pointed out that it was them, and most people didn't realize that anything about my conversation was different).

Lately, though, I've begun to wonder whether or not my facets are real people after all. My psychologist told me that I lack empathy (I agree) and that I see people as objects (I also agree), albeit objects with needs and desires that I can help fulfill (I again agree). The reason I accept people outside me as "real people" is because, well, I'm told so, and they appear to be so, so I accept it. They do things with autonomy, they think and feel, they have experiences comparable to my own, etc. I don't have any reason to question their reality.

But the reality of people inside one's head...well, that's harder to deal with, and while I accept members of other multiples' systems as real people, that's because they tell me they're real people, and I have no reason to think I'm a better judge of their situations than they are. But it occurred to me that my empathy problems would very easily keep me from effectively telling if my facets are real people or not. None of the reasons I accept the people physically around me as "real people" apply with no uncertainty to my facets. And no one is telling me that they're real people. It's also frustrating because some of them display more autonomy or more "real person-ness" than others. So I don't know what's going on there, and I want to chronicle that.

The most recent thing to happen was...well, a bit of a worldview breakdown that was caused by a rather unusual thing. The thing in question was my playing a computer game called OFF, and I will later write a whole entry about it and how it affected me. Maybe if you've played that game, you'll understand how this could happen. But anyway, playing that game made me realize a very bad thing about the way I think, and that made me realize more bad things about the way I think, and as I tried to correct those things, it made me realize even more bad things about the way I think. I want to fix this. I want to change myself. But it takes work, and it works the best for me if I can express it externally in some way, like talking about it or writing about it.

And now I've come to the reason I'm keeping this journal. I need to express things. I'm one of those people who's best at "thinking out loud" and who works well when they can express things through visuals and rephrasing. For some reason or another, expressing things makes them more real to me. You know how they say, "Pictures or it didn't happen?" For me, it's "Verbal expression or it isn't fully real". And storing them in a format like an online journal makes it easy for me to look at what happened and what I talked about and look back on it when I have to or want to.

Why am I posting it online instead of writing it in a journal, then? Well...I'm not sure why, other than that maybe people will find it, and maybe people will have interesting things to say about it, and maybe I can open up a dialogue about this stuff. And even if that doesn't happen, even if communication doesn't happen, even if no one looks at this journal during the time I need to keep it, maybe someone will find it later and read it and find some sort of value in it. Maybe that'll happen.

That's my hope, anyway.


morethanthese: (Default)

January 2015

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