morethanthese: (black books)
My human development class (the first class of the day) was cancelled. The teacher sent no note or anything and that was two hours of my day I had to find another way to occupy. I didn't have my computer today, either (I didn't think I'd need it, lol) but I finally went off to the library, in deep resignation, and alternately studied for my math class and read. That was probably a productive use of my time.

I got somewhere between a B and a C on my math test, which is pretty good for me, because for me, a math test is successful if I even passed. I bet I passed.

I'm now at home, and my sister's not here. Which is great, I love being home alone. I'm going to alternately read Hannibal crack fic and play Porpentine games and at some point eat.

I have literally no homework I have to do and frankly, my plans for today are to do some serious goofing off.

Let the goofing off begin.
morethanthese: (Default)
Trigger warning: Frequent mentions of depression and suicide

I've been worried about what will happen if Hannibal is cancelled and Season 3 doesn't happen. Because it's something of a realistic possibility.

I mean I know the episodes that have already been made aren't going anywhere (nor are the episodes from Season 2 that have yet to show) and neither is the fandom (I hope. Dear god, I HOPE.)

But I'm scared because while I'll still have those things,

all I can think of is how badly i was doing before i started watching hannibal

all i can think of is how i was sad because i felt disconnected from all my other interests and how i wanted a new fandom but i didn't know what that fandom would be

all i can think of is how i told my friend that i couldn't play a joke for april fools' because all my other jokes had been tumblr and facebook posts in which i basically loudly and exaggeratedly denounced whatever my interest or "thing" was at the time (one year it was doctor who, another it was writing) only to point out it was april fools' and how nothing i did this year would be funny because i didn't have any particular interest or "thing" at the time and the only "thing" i had was being suicidal and depressed, and "guess what guys I'm not suicidal or depressed anymore and life is beautiful and i enjoy living! jk april fools" just isn't funny and then sometime after april fools was over and i was into hannibal, i pointed out that if i had to make that post again, it would have been about hannibal

i'm nervous and i am getting ridiculously worked up over something so small and who knows, maybe if the show ends i won't end up going back where i was before it and maybe i'm worried over nothing and hannibal won't be cancelled after all but all i know is that i don't KNOW what's going to happen and if hannibal ends up being cancelled after all then i genuinely don't know what's going to happen to me

*

I had to walk around the room wearing my shock blanket and clutching my stuffed dog whilst Dr. L (oh, the irony) and I had to go through a plan as to what to do if Hannibal does end up being cancelled.

"If Hannibal ISN'T cancelled," he began, "what will you do?"

"Be happy," I said. "Everything will go on as normal."

"And if it IS cancelled, what will you do?"

"I'll be really upset."

"What will you do about that?"

"Try to stay in the fandom if it still exists. Re-watch the old episodes, read fanfiction. Maybe get into another fandom."

"What fandom will you get into?"

I don't remember the exact exchange that took place right after that but I somehow settled upon Attack on Titan as my next fandom. (I don't even know how I came to that but whatever.)

"So if Hannibal does not get past Season 2," said Dr. L, "you will be upset, but then you will re-watch episodes of the show, you will read fanfiction for it, and you will watch Attack on Titan."

"Yeah, what else can I do?"

"And you believe that, if the show is cancelled, you'll be depressed like you were earlier?"

"I don't know but it's likely."

"In which case, your plan seems about as good as any plan could be in the face of this situation."
morethanthese: (Default)
I was gone for a bit and a series of events happened.

Among other things, my facets returned (well, some of them did - two new ones appeared, too). They stayed for a while and while they're apparently/probably all here, the most-recently appearing facet (and the only one who was not in my system in any way until now) seems to have become the main facet now.

He calls himself Dr. L and he's a psychologist. He identifies himself as a part of my mind (specifically my capacity for reason and solving my own problems and helping myself) that has been given (by me, or so was the implication) the ability to talk to me as though it were another person.

We've been having "sessions" after a fashion in a room in what I call my Mind Palace (that is, I imagine I'm in a particular place, and he's there too, and we talk in it whenever I need to go over something and it can't be done when he's just a voice in my head). We're currently in the process of exploring my Mind Palace. If/when I make more posts, I'll post about that.

Also, I'm writing another novel and I might post about that as well. And I've gotten into the TV show Hannibal, which I would say is giving me a crisis (much like OFF did) but it's not causing me any sort of distress, so I can't properly call it a crisis. It's interesting though. (And for those who are wondering - yes, Dr. L has modeled himself after Dr. Lecter. But he claims he isn't actually Hannibal Lecter but has merely taken on "the accidents of Dr. Lecter" - he's using "accidents" in the sense of "the physical aspects of that don't inherently make the thing what it is".)

So yeah. That's happening. That's what I might talk about if I continue to talk about things.

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January 2015

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