morethanthese: (Default)
Well, I know I was saying things that made the future status of my relationship with Sofya a bit ambiguous (i.e. I was regretting it) but due to recent events, there is very little possibility of my terminating the relationship in the near future. Some hard times have befallen her and it wouldn't do to end the relationship now. Not only would she not be able to benefit from it, it would probably just traumatize her further. (Incidentally, I don't use the word "traumatize" lightly, but I am talking about an event that could give one legitimate trauma, and adding another bad event onto it would not make things any better.")

To quote a repeated line from OFF, maybe it's better this way.
morethanthese: (Default)
I think I love my hamster more than I love my queerplatonic partner.

I am really properly awful and I should not even be interacted with. (Which may have been a self-deprecating exaggeration but it's how I feel now.)
morethanthese: (Default)
My dad and sister were at a swim meet between 11 and 5, and I had the house all to myself. I thought, a bit sadly, "Six hours all to myself, and I'm going to spend them on the internet."

This turned out not to be the case. I went on a very productive series of errands with my aunt - the one with the kids - in which I got hamster food that I noticed I needed earlier today and a whole bunch of presents I'm going to give to my queerplatonic partner for her birthday. (I'm putting loads of stuff in a box and giving it to her. Inspired by something the best friend of a friend of mine did.)

I am having inordinate amounts of fun putting her presents in the box. Here's the thing: I think everyone has some fairly random, very specific thing that gives them great pleasure, and mine is selecting enjoyable things to put in containers and figuring out how they should all fit together. Like I really really enjoy that. So I'm having a brilliant time filling Sofya's box full of stuff and arranging it all.

I'm so glad my day turned out the way it did. It was a little crummy and stressful earlier (I had to facilitate some communication at church, and I was worried my dad would be upset about something), but it got much better. I find that, much of the time, days that start awfully for me turn out much better, and this was one such day.
morethanthese: (Default)
I would like to go on the record to say that I do not deserve my queerplatonic partner.

If you're like me and you treat a person the way I treat my queerplatonic partner, you don't deserve that person. And I'm not saying I treat her badly. I don't. It's just...

You don't deserve someone who you view as an emotional resource. You don't deserve someone whose relationship with you you describe as symbiosis. You don't deserve someone who knows you're a narcissist. You don't deserve someone to whom you've said - and this is as near a direct quote as I can pull from my memory - "I don't have empathy, but sometimes I get attached to people and they become an extension of me, like they're something of mine, so their emotions are my emotions and any harm done to them is like, 'Don't do that to my person!'".

You bloody don't deserve someone you know views you like an animate object, who has repeatedly told you this, and whose kindness, abundant though it is, will never erase the fact that they view you and everyone else as a lesser or even just different form of life.

You don't deserve someone like that. Hell, if you're anything like I just described, you don't deserve anyone.

Yet I've described myself, and I have someone, and I do not deserve this person or anyone else, and I have someone, and I have her, and it's a strange, astounding fact of the universe that I do.
morethanthese: (Default)
I talked to my queerplatonic partner about my probable narcissism. Because I've determined that I may well have narcissistic personality disorder. I've decided I'm not really going to tell many people about my narcissism, even if it's confirmed/diagnosed (which I hope it isn't; it would make getting a job really hard, I bet). Most people don't need to know, and it doesn't really help them help me or forewarn them about behaviors I might engage in, it just explains a lot of things I already do and think. (That is, my tendency to think of everything in relation to myself, my grandiose expectations of myself, which I cannot get rid of, my obsession with being noticed and appreciated, my constant need for appreciation, and of course my lack of empathy.)

I explained to her that my psychologist told me that I view people as animate objects and that said psychologist was probably correct. I see people as animate objects with needs and desires, which I often help fill due to moral obligation (because of my upbringing), but objects nonetheless. I do not really experience empathy towards people. I thought I experienced empathy towards them, but with the revelation that I might be a narcissist, I realized I just care about some people's reactions more than others. That is, sometimes, I seem like I'm genuinely interested in making people happy, but I like seeing them happy because the stimuli they produce when happy is interesting and pleasing to me. That is, I don't care about people, I care about their reactions and behaviors.

I explained this to her, telling her that I thought I experienced actual empathy towards her, but no, I just care about her reactions and stuff more than I care about other people's. When I help her when she's upset, it's not because I feel for her, it's because her being unhappy makes me personally unhappy and I would like to get rid of it.

I then explained to her that this doesn't mean that, when I offer emotional support, it's just because I'm trying to get rid of a stimulus I don't like (like why most people try to make babies stop crying). I am personally attached to her for some reason or another, so when I can to get rid of her upset, it's not just because seeing her upset annoys or bothers me, it's because I don't like seeing HER specifically upset, and it's actually related individually to her.

This led me to explain that I view her in a way that many people might consider possessive but that isn't supposed to be. I view her as MINE, as MY person. There it is, my tendency to make everything relate to me in some way. That is, if she is unhappy, it's not "I have to make this person not-unhappy", it's more like "I have to make my person not-unhappy". Like I view her as my responsibility because I like/am attached to her, but I also view her as something connected to me. It's not just because she's a person or because I like her, it's because she's MY person. Apparently she sees people in a similar way (she told me so) and this might be a common person thing, or it might be a little quirk unrelated to narcissism, or it could be something that relates to narcissism but that can also appear in otherwise non-narcissistic people.

After we got this stuff out of the way, I told her one more unpleasant thing, which was that a lot of the time, I view her emotional support as a resource that I can easily get when I want it or need it. I'm not trying to manipulate her or anything, I just recognize that when I am unhappy and want emotional support form another person, her emotional support tends to work for me, and it is relatively easy for me to get it. I didn't really have a good defense for this, but I justified it by saying that it's like a mutualistic symbiotic relationship, where both parties benefit from each other in some way. She's a resource of emotional support, and she's told me before that she likes me and I'm apparently beneficial to her (I don't even remember how, which is unusual, me not remembering information that relates to myself). Furthermore, there's a sense of respect and attachment between us that transcends a mere symbiotic relationship, and then I became an awkward mess of words trying to explain what it was exactly between us. I'm rubbish at explaining emotions and stuff, I really am.

She was apparently okay, though, with how my probable narcissism factors into our relationship and the things I do and how I perceive and treat her. She thanked me for telling her, and I told her she deserved to know.

I'm really glad this person is my queerplatonic partner because I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone else who would be a tenth as okay with hearing someone say they view them as an animate object with needs and desires and that they look after their emotions not out of empathy but because they do not like that that particular reason is upset and that most of this is all because they view the person as THEIR person, in a possessive/self-related sense, and that this is all basically a big symbiotic relationship like in biology.
morethanthese: (Default)
Soooo, I suspect you all want to know how it worked out yesterday, asking that friend of mine to be my queerplatonic partner and whether or not I thought it was a good idea. Well, no, that's silly; no one reads these, so naturally no one really cares, but! I'm going to talk about it anyway!

I thought I wasn't going to be able to do it, but I did it! It would have been very difficult for me to say it verbally, but fortunately, shortly before I decided to ask her, we got each other holiday presents at the Barnes and Noble we were hanging out at, and she gave me a notebook. We were sitting together and I was writing in the notebook (working on my novel) and she was reading Les Miserables, and I realized I could just write out my proposal on paper.

I tore out a page; she didn't notice. I started writing on it; she didn't notice. I wrote frantically and shakily and breathing became increasingly difficult and for the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to feel one's heart beating harder and faster; she didn't notice.

I put it in front of her, and when I tapped her book with the pen, she finally noticed. I told her to read the thing I wrote. She set down the book and read it. The panic was gone somewhat, because getting the words out was the worst part. She read it, and she got to the end. At the end, after I had explained once again what queerplatonicism was, I asked her whether or not she wanted to be my queerplatonic partner, with "y/n" written at the bottom. She gave it back to me with "y" circled.

A high-five ensued, as did a little conversation about it. I explained that I'd been stressing out over it previously and that my nervousness today was the explanation for some unusual behavior previously. We then made some jokes about the new status of our relationship (one of them including her saying, "Relationship upgrade accomplished"), and we went back to doing what we were doing.

It worked. I decided it was the advisable thing to do in the end, she said yes, and now we describe our relationship in a new way, and everything's good. Two days before Christmas, I got a queerplatonic partner, and I suspect that's as good a Christmas present as any.

I'm legitimately happy.
morethanthese: (off)
On Saturday, we - by which I mean my sister, cousin Hannah, and I - did something with our grandma which we now call "Gramie Day". (Gramie is what we call our grandma.) We used to call it "the Black Friday Thing", but we don't really do it on Black Friday anymore. What it is is our grandma takes the three of us shopping for stuff sometime between Black Friday and Christmas and, while she's at it, takes us out to lunch and to see a movie. It's a really fun thing and we do it every year and it's fantastic.

This is the first time we called it Gramie Day. I came up with the term (and I may or may not have modeled it after "Birling Day" as in from Cabin Pressure whoops that's exactly what I did). My Arthur Shappey facet was all excited and he kept singing "Get Dressed, You Merry Gentlemen" and "Happy Birling Day To Us" but with "Gramie" replacing the words "Christmas" and "Birling" respectively. Loki was also out for a bit, because Becky was there and it makes him happy to see her happy. Also, Charlie was out when I went to certain shops because there were things he liked. (Mostly it was in the Disney Store and this shop that sold Japanese/anime-type stuff because he likes those sorts of things.) The facets don't come into this story much, though.

Anyway, what happened was this. Gramie picked us up (and brought Hannah with her) and we started off doing a few errands Becky and I needed to do, then going off for the fun stuff. We went to a shop where Hannah and Becky got some dresses and shirts and stuff and where I got a sweater that basically looks like the off-white cable-knit jumper John from BBC Sherlock wears, only it's burgundy. (Even Becky, who told me, "You don't need any more sweaters!" was pleased.) We then did some Christmas shopping for other people/ourselves. Funnily enough, I got a Christmas present for my four-year-old cousin at Hot Topic, of all places. It was a My Little Pony grab bag type thing, where you open up the bag and it has a random My Little Pony figurine in it. I figured my Ponies-obsessed little cousin would like it. I got a similar thing for myself, only mine contained a Lego-like version of one of the eleven Doctors.

I don't remember what Becky and Hannah got after that, but I got three boxes of tea and a black plaid flannel shirt. It looks really nice with the jumper and I'm actually wearing them together even as I type. I also wore them together when we went to lunch, immediately after leaving the shop at which I got the shirt. I imagine Becky and Hannah were a tad embarrassed by my changing out of the shirt I'd previously been wearing, while I sat in the front seat, with everyone around able to see me. But I didn't care.

It was at lunch that I opened up my Doctor Who thing. I'd purposefully been saving it because I knew it would be more exciting if I waited. And this was correct. It was more exciting for my having waited. The Doctor I got was the First Doctor, which was pretty awesome. I set him on the table and immediately pulled out a Lego Bilbo Baggins I'd acquired the previous day. (It's a keychain, actually, but for all intents and purposes, it's Lego Bilbo Baggins.) I started playing with them; I've decided that Bilbo Baggins was walking along in the Shire one day when he found a strange blue box that contained a man who Bilbo thought could be a wizard, though he'd never seen a wizard wear such strange clothes. The man in the box decided that Bilbo had seen his box and therefore knew too much and had to be kidnapped like he kidnapped those two teachers who followed his granddaughter home. They later ended up finding a planet made entirely of tea. Then our food came and I had to eat like a civilized person who doesn't play with Legos at the table whilst being a college student.

We had to take Hannah home soon thereafter, but my grandma still wanted to have fun with Becky and me. She asked us if there was a movie we wanted to see. The conclusion was reached that she would take us to see Catching Fire, a decision that both Becky and I questioned (an old grandma seeing The Hunger Games when she can barely stand some of the content of Les Miserables? When she hasn't even seen or read the first one?) Well, she took us there, and on the way, we summarized the plot of the first book/movie. She seemed to follow pretty well (sometimes she doesn't), and we got to the theater. The film had already started but it wasn't too far along, and Gramie kept up fairly well. It was Becky's third time seeing the film and my second. Gramie didn't like some of the violence, but she liked the characters and story, and she told us that she wants to see the third Hunger Games movie when it comes out. We have corrupted her into liking the Hunger Games. Ehehehehe yesssss.

I spent most of today at my grandparents' house. Mostly I helped them put up Christmas decorations (my family's been so behind this year) and did chores for them. I like doing those things, actually. I like helping my grandparents. I also spent a lot of time writing (I got my typical 1000 words in!) and playing Ib. It's an RPG Maker game and it's pretty scary (or at least it makes me jump a lot) but I like playing it. I have to play it in broad daylight when no one's around me, though, and I could achieve these things in a back room at my grandparents' house. I think I'm becoming an RPG Maker game fan. I've only played two RPG Maker games before Ib (they were Pom Gets Wi-Fi and OFF) but I like the format of these games, and I got people on Tumblr to recommend some games, and I have many of them downloaded on my computer. When I'm done with Ib, I'm going to play Yume Nikki.

Tomorrow, I'm going to...well, I'm going to do a bit of an interesting, exciting thing. First, a bit of backstory: I've got this friend who's been my friend for about two years now, I think (though I've technically known her a lot longer). She's the only person from my old school I still talk to (and leaving my old school and the friends I had there...well, let's just say it's probably the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced and I've experienced a few other things in life.) She came into my life during a very important part of it, and I think that's part of what makes our relationship so amazing.

At the time I met her, I was questioning my sexual/romantic orientation for what has so far been the last time. I used to think I was a panromantic asexual; a series of events made me realize that I was really an aromantic in denial, and I now realize I am (at least for now) an aromantic asexual. Discovering what aromanticism was really like, I discovered some of the terms associated, such as "queerplatonic partner". I have always liked the concept and I've sort of wished I had a queerplatonic partner, but I understand queerplatonicism about as much as I understand love - that is, hardly.

But. Uh. I think if I were to have a queerplatonic partner, I'd want it to be her. And since I'm seeing her tomorrow, I think I'm going to ask her to be mine. I, uh, I'm actually really very nervous about this not because I'm afraid she'll say no (I'm reasonably sure she'd say yes, though the last time I thought someone would say yes to this sort of thing, they said no and that's a story I might tell in the future). It's because I'm not sure this is a good idea. What if it doesn't work? What if we were better as friends and that does something bad to our relationship? What if we break up and - oh, I don't know, a bunch of bad situations. (This is what living with general anxiety disorder does to you, I suppose.)

I shouldn't be scared at all. I shouldn't be nervous. And I definitely shouldn't be contemplating taking one of my anxiety pills because of this. I'm not going to take a pill. But I'm going to have trouble asking her tomorrow, certainly.

My Eleven facet came out once he noticed I was freaking out inside my head, and he asked me what was wrong. He thought he could help. I explained. He realized he couldn't help me with this and he proceeded to run around headspace, yelling and waving his hands and knocking into stuff. That was actually pretty entertaining.

Well, everything's alright for the time being. I did something fun yesterday! And I'm going to do something exciting tomorrow! That'll probably be good. Yes. Good.
morethanthese: (Default)
Yesterday was my last day of class. I didn't go to English, as I'd completed that class on Tuesday. But I did go to History and Math, and we took our finals in those classes. The History final went pretty well (although there were some things that hadn't been on the review the teacher gave us); pretty sure I got an A or maybe a very high B. As for my Math final...well, I'd been afraid of failing that class (originally I'd had a low C), but I got an A on the previous test (the take-home test), which brought my grade up to a B, and while I don't know how I did on the test, I think I did pretty well. I'll pass the class, definitely.

Before taking the finals, I made an agreement with myself that, after I finish my classes, I deserve any good thing that happens to me. (I - I have problems with believing that I deserve good things.) So the fact that my friend Sofya is at my house right now and we're going to the mountains this weekend is something I currently think I deserve.

I may have said before that I don't have friends. That's kind of true. I don't really have friends. Not friends that I see, anyway. But occasionally, I get to see my friend Sofya in real life, and we do stuff. This time, we're going to the mountains with my father. We're going to the cabin we have up in the mountains (yes, we own a cabin) and my dad's going to paint my room there. My dad is the sort of person who always needs a project with which to occupy himself, and he's currently re-plastering and re-painting my room. (My friend and I will sleep somewhere else. Like my sister's room.)

One thing I like about the mountains: it's a very good place to write. The last time I was up there, I wrote about 5,000 words in the course of two days, which is rather a lot. Who knows how much I'll write this time. It would be good if I wrote a lot, because my wordcount's sort of been falling behind. Not that I have a wordcount I have to follow, but I try to be responsible. You know how it is.

Actually, being around my friend will probably help me with my writing, because I like reading what I'm writing out loud and making her cry. Well. I should explain. Sometimes I write things that are rather emotional, and they might give people what are commonly described as "feels" on the internet. And Sofya is prone to such "feels", and I like writing things that give her emotional reactions. It's fun to see people having emotional reactions. To be honest, if I lived with someone who was invested in what I wrote, I'd probably become a much better writer, because not only would I be making stuff I knew to be emotionally impactful, I would be writing much more because writing would result in a reaction I enjoy seeing.

So I finished my finals, I think I did pretty well on them, I'm out of school (for seven weeks!), and I'm going to the mountains with me friend. I think I've done pretty well.
morethanthese: (Default)
Last night, I asked Sofya if it was okay if my facets start talking to her. Because I've had times where my facets wanted to talk to people while I was talking to them, because there was something they wanted to say, but I couldn't let them speak because the person didn't know about my facets, it would have weirded them out, it was unexpected, etc.

So I asked my friend Sofya if my facets could say things in conversation if they want to. She said it was okay as long as I specified who was talking. I would have done that anyway. It'll be a BIT harder to tell her who's talking when they come out IRL, because I've had situations where my facets said something while I was talking and I didn't even realize it, but I'm going to be more mindful of when they speak (especially now that I recognize them as sort-of people rather than just modes I go into sometimes).

Later in our conversation, Sofya asked me if talking to my facets meant that she's going to have new friends now. I thought about it and told her that this wasn't an inaccurate description. She got very excited about this. It was really pleasant to see her excited about this, and I'm excited for my facets. Some of them are friends with each other, and all of them are more-or-less friends with me, but now they might make friends with people outside of our system.

So basically, my friend is excited and I don't know if my facets are excited, but I'm excited for them, and that makes me really happy and this is all really pleasant.

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