morethanthese: (Default)
Trigger warning: Frequent mentions of depression and suicide

I've been worried about what will happen if Hannibal is cancelled and Season 3 doesn't happen. Because it's something of a realistic possibility.

I mean I know the episodes that have already been made aren't going anywhere (nor are the episodes from Season 2 that have yet to show) and neither is the fandom (I hope. Dear god, I HOPE.)

But I'm scared because while I'll still have those things,

all I can think of is how badly i was doing before i started watching hannibal

all i can think of is how i was sad because i felt disconnected from all my other interests and how i wanted a new fandom but i didn't know what that fandom would be

all i can think of is how i told my friend that i couldn't play a joke for april fools' because all my other jokes had been tumblr and facebook posts in which i basically loudly and exaggeratedly denounced whatever my interest or "thing" was at the time (one year it was doctor who, another it was writing) only to point out it was april fools' and how nothing i did this year would be funny because i didn't have any particular interest or "thing" at the time and the only "thing" i had was being suicidal and depressed, and "guess what guys I'm not suicidal or depressed anymore and life is beautiful and i enjoy living! jk april fools" just isn't funny and then sometime after april fools was over and i was into hannibal, i pointed out that if i had to make that post again, it would have been about hannibal

i'm nervous and i am getting ridiculously worked up over something so small and who knows, maybe if the show ends i won't end up going back where i was before it and maybe i'm worried over nothing and hannibal won't be cancelled after all but all i know is that i don't KNOW what's going to happen and if hannibal ends up being cancelled after all then i genuinely don't know what's going to happen to me

*

I had to walk around the room wearing my shock blanket and clutching my stuffed dog whilst Dr. L (oh, the irony) and I had to go through a plan as to what to do if Hannibal does end up being cancelled.

"If Hannibal ISN'T cancelled," he began, "what will you do?"

"Be happy," I said. "Everything will go on as normal."

"And if it IS cancelled, what will you do?"

"I'll be really upset."

"What will you do about that?"

"Try to stay in the fandom if it still exists. Re-watch the old episodes, read fanfiction. Maybe get into another fandom."

"What fandom will you get into?"

I don't remember the exact exchange that took place right after that but I somehow settled upon Attack on Titan as my next fandom. (I don't even know how I came to that but whatever.)

"So if Hannibal does not get past Season 2," said Dr. L, "you will be upset, but then you will re-watch episodes of the show, you will read fanfiction for it, and you will watch Attack on Titan."

"Yeah, what else can I do?"

"And you believe that, if the show is cancelled, you'll be depressed like you were earlier?"

"I don't know but it's likely."

"In which case, your plan seems about as good as any plan could be in the face of this situation."
morethanthese: (Default)
I went to the Mind Palace yesterday night. I think I was a little nervous. I didn't want therapy, I just wanted to be there. Dr. L and I played pool despite my total lack of knowledge on how to do so. It works like dream logic, how you can do something in your dreams even if you have no real-life capacity for it. Then I left and he played pool while I held onto my stuffed dog, my back to the table. I imagine myself standing in that room holding onto my stuffed dog a lot now. When I'm anxious or unhappy or experiencing a lot of emotion of whatever kind.

Dr. L asked if I wanted to explore the new rooms I had created. I said I didn't. I just wanted to be in the room I already knew. We decided to call it the Red Room rather than the Therapy Room. Because it has red walls and frankly, I don't want to use it for therapy all the time, I don't want it to be known just for therapy.

Today, I was able to go there in the car on the way to school. I was there only briefly. I stood with my back to the table, holding the dog again. Dr. L asked me what was going on. I was nervous. He knew it was about school but he asked me why anyway. I told him. He made some sort of highly logical and analytical statement to the effect of "you can do it, Jude".

Progress is made. I like the Red Room. I like my Mind Palace.
morethanthese: (Default)
Remember how I said I'd work out some of the details of the Mind Palace today? (Well, it was yesterday when I said it, but I'm saying it again now.) Well, I found myself needing to go to it because I was having a dialogue with myself about writing and the reasons I write, and I realized this would be a good conversation to have with Dr. L in the Mind Palace.

So I went to my room (I wasn't there when I had the thought), lay down on my bed, covered myself with my shock blanket, closed my eyes, and went there. (I find that being on my bed, lying down, with the shock blanket over me, tends to be the conditions under which I'm best able to go to the Mind Palace, though I can go there when I'm in other places.) When I got there, Dr. L was standing on the upper level, starting to verbally review the subject we were going over. For some reason, I realized that I had never been on the upper level, so I climbed up the ladder to join Dr. L. We talked about my writing (we concluded that, while I don't like writing overall, there are some ways in which writing helps me - not the least of these ways is the fact that I can use it to put forth ideas and characters that I think help me and that I am not finding in other media - and the smaller aspects of writing combine and are big enough to be good reasons to keep writing).

After we had that talk, I went to sort out some of the physical specifications of the Therapy Room. There were four chairs in each corner, I determined, and there were four doors in each wall. In the middle of each wall, I noticed. I decided to go through the door that I face directly every time I appear in the room to see what was behind it. Dr. L asked me if I wanted to go with him. I said no, thank you. He was cool with that.

I went through the door and found myself in a very vague-looking room that had an upper level like the Therapy Room had, only it was much higher up from the floor, and the ceiling was much higher. I explored it a little bit and realized it looked very much like the interior of a restaurant my family and I have gone to sometimes. (The restaurant is called the Old Spaghetti Factory; there's awesome lights and lamps in it and there's giant stairs that lead up to an upper level and stuff's made of wood and it looks old and awesome. That's an awful description but I suppose you can look it up online. A Google search would yield some images.)

Anyway, I walked along the upper level, looking at things. I hadn't meant for the place to be the restaurant, but some of the details of the restaurant started filling in, including the sound of people talking and eating. Then I realized I could turn it off if I wanted to, which was great because I'm not too keen on sounds like that. (They're just...not fun, you know how that is?) But I found I could also turn it on again if I wanted to.

I ran down the upper level to find its end or some stairs down, only to realize that it would go on forever if I didn't make some stairs. So I made some, and for some reason, the part in Frozen where Elsa makes the stairs that lead up to her ice palace came to mind. It was at this point that I realized I could change and make things in this room, and I got VERY excited about all this. I felt a lot like Elsa building her ice palace during "Let It Go", really, and that was awesome.

It was at this point that something interesting occurred. I've determined that my perceptions in my Mind Palace are a lot like my perceptions during dreams. I tend to dream in the third person - that is, I control my own actions, but I see myself as though I'm watching a movie and I happen to be able to control the actions of one of the characters. Also, I'm not always myself in my dreams. Sometimes I'm a character from something I'm already familiar with, or sometimes I'm a character of mine, or sometimes I'm a character who exists only in the dream. In the Therapy Room, I look like Will Graham from Hannibal (don't worry, nothing creepy occurs between Dr. L and I, it's just that it's convenient for me to envision myself as this person, especially since I can't see my actual self from the outside but I can see fictional characters from the outside, especially if they're from a film medium. Sometimes in my Mind Palace, I switch between first and third person. That is, sometimes I'm looking at things as though I'm really there, and sometimes I'm looking at me-as-my-character doing things in there.

So anyway, I'd previously been exploring this new room in first-person, but when I made the Frozen connection, I started seeing myself in third person as Elsa, and I thought that was awesome. It was shortly after that that Dr. L appeared beside me (I wanted him to). He told me he liked what I had created, and he liked that I would continue to create in here. This room would be a new adventure, he said, and while the basic shape was formed, there were details I'd be able to fill out.

We briefly went to...oh no, I can't remember if it was the upper level or the lower level (I'll check next time I go there). But some part of it, some part where, in real life, there's a bar where you can get alcoholic beverages. Actually, it was on the opposite floor where the bar is in real life (if my memory of the location is accurate). We went there, and I saw a shadowy bartender cleaning glasses and stuff.

"You can make him someone you know, if you want," said Dr. L. ("Someone you know" here meant "a familiar person or character" as opposed to "real life person you have met".)

"I don't want to make him anybody yet," I said. I was still trying to get used to the place itself and I didn't feel comfortable putting anyone else in it yet.

"That's valid," said Dr. L. (He says that a lot.)

We then discussed the fact that, if I wanted to, I could sit down at the bar and I could order something that I drink in real life (that is, tea or soda or something - something that wasn't alcohol). To add to the atmosphere of the place, Dr. L said.

I didn't think about it at the time, but Dr. L and I had a conversation where he said that my other facets might come back as people in certain rooms of my Mind Palace. I had one facet called Tea (ah, he was a joy. I might talk about him later) whom I sort of miss and whom one would very easily find in a location that was associated with beverages of any kind. I wonder if he'll turn out to be the bartender there. I don't know. I'm not there yet. I'm not sure if he's what I want in a location like that. I'll see what I want out of the place.

Well, anyway, we have a new room in the Mind Palace, and I'm going to have a fun time exploring it and building in it and finding out what it's for.
morethanthese: (tea 1)
I've been trying to build my Mind Palace.

I tried building my Mind Palace before but it didn't really "stick" because I think I was trying it just to try it and not building it from something that was already going on in my head. You see, during my "sessions" with Dr. L, I realized that in some cases (where envisioning myself in a different place was beneficial), I saw us in a particular room a lot.

The walls of that room were deep red (kind of burgundy) and there was a long dark table taking up the center of the room. There was also an upper level of the room, which started about two-thirds of the way up the room and was built projecting from the walls. There was a rail around it, and a ladder leading up to it. There were also what I assumed were bookcases lining the walls of the upper part.

I described it to someone later and they said it seemed "VERY Hannibal-inspired". I then explained to them the thing about Dr. L modeling himself after Hannibal Lecter and all that, so the fact that my mind automatically set it in a Hannibal-like room made perfect sense. (It was specifically modeled after the room where the infamous "Did you just smell me?" scene takes places, incidentally.)

Yesterday, Dr. L and I went to the Mind Palace to figure out what exactly I was imagining and to see if we couldn't make it a little more specific. He was standing in the upper level, watching me as I paced slowly around the room trying to figure out what to make it look like.

We started with the table. I had previously made this assumption that it was a pool table, and we questioned that assumption. I realized that the only reason I had assumed it was a pool table was because pool tables tend to be large and found in the center of rooms. We determined I saw the table there because I liked the evenness and the balance. It helped me, Dr. L said. We therefore decided that it's just a table (though...weirdly absent of chairs, and I didn't realize that until literally just now), but it can turn into a pool table if, for whatever reason, I want to see Dr. L playing pool (because we decided that, in some cases, it would be beneficial for me to come in seeing Dr. L doing something casually, like I was just walking in on him and not arranging a therapy session or whatever).

As for the upper level, we decided that the things lining the walls are indeed bookshelves, and all the books are either books I own, or books I've read but don't own, or books I want to read/own, or the sort of books I'd read/own. None of them are my copies, though, in that they're copies someone else owns. (As in, if I looked at them, I would not go, "Oh, that's my specific copy of [insert title here]".)

At this point, we realized that there was nothing in the room that belonged to me. And maybe it was because we really hadn't gotten the furnishings and stuff down yet (maybe some stuff of mine will appear there later), but the fact remained that none of the stuff there was anything I identified as my own. Which was odd, given that very often, having my own stuff around helps me psychologically. Dr. L made a box that contains in it some of my things (my knitting, my headphones, my blanket, my stuffed animals, etc.) He tossed me a few of them from where he was on the upper level, and I noticed after I was back in reality that they didn't fall in an arc (like things do when you throw them in the real world) but instead came to me in a straight line. I also realized after returning to reality that at one point, Dr. L came down from the upper level by standing next to the ladder and just sort of...falling down to the floor. Like, say, in poorly-done video game graphics or something. I didn't question it at the time. Like you wouldn't question it in a dream.

Today, we were in it briefly, mostly because I just wanted to be in it for a bit. Dr. L was playing pool (because I wanted to walk in seeing him doing something there already, which he was alright with). When he noticed me, the surface of the table became a normal table and not a pool table. We talked a little bit and then tried to figure out if there were chairs in the room. We decided there were at least four chairs in the room, one in each corner. That was basically what we did; I had trouble properly being in my Mind Palace that time 'round but that made sense because I was just killing time while waiting for something.

Next time I go there, I'm going to make it a point to work on:
* The chairs
* Small tables separating bookcases
* The walls, floor, and ceiling
* Adding other furniture
* Doors

This is just one room of the Mind Palace and we don't have a name for it yet. We've been calling it "The Therapy Room", knowing full well that's not necessarily what I want to accomplish with it. (I think I want to do things in it that aren't actually therapy. Hence the arrangement that I can walk in on Dr. L doing something casual without the intention to have a therapy session.) However, I'm going to refer to it as "the Mind Palace" with the stipulation that I just mean one room of it. I'm going to explore some more rooms later, but only once I've got this one somewhat more solidified in my mind.

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January 2015

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