morethanthese: (black books)
My human development class (the first class of the day) was cancelled. The teacher sent no note or anything and that was two hours of my day I had to find another way to occupy. I didn't have my computer today, either (I didn't think I'd need it, lol) but I finally went off to the library, in deep resignation, and alternately studied for my math class and read. That was probably a productive use of my time.

I got somewhere between a B and a C on my math test, which is pretty good for me, because for me, a math test is successful if I even passed. I bet I passed.

I'm now at home, and my sister's not here. Which is great, I love being home alone. I'm going to alternately read Hannibal crack fic and play Porpentine games and at some point eat.

I have literally no homework I have to do and frankly, my plans for today are to do some serious goofing off.

Let the goofing off begin.
morethanthese: (Default)
Well, I know I was saying things that made the future status of my relationship with Sofya a bit ambiguous (i.e. I was regretting it) but due to recent events, there is very little possibility of my terminating the relationship in the near future. Some hard times have befallen her and it wouldn't do to end the relationship now. Not only would she not be able to benefit from it, it would probably just traumatize her further. (Incidentally, I don't use the word "traumatize" lightly, but I am talking about an event that could give one legitimate trauma, and adding another bad event onto it would not make things any better.")

To quote a repeated line from OFF, maybe it's better this way.
morethanthese: (cabin pressure)
I talked to someone I vaguely know about my relationship problems today. She suggested that I break up the relationship. Weirdly enough, now that I've had someone literally verbally (this was an IRL conversation) talk to me about this, I feel more like carrying on with it than anything else. I think it's because it's been acknowledged in real life. (I had previously only talked to Jared about it, and only once, and over text.) That makes it real. That means I can choose whatever I want with it.


I was doing some research on tulpas today for various reasons, and...I think Dr. L might be a tulpa. Actually, maybe all my facets are tulpas. I know the defining characteristic of a tulpa is that one creates them on purpose, but what if I created them on accident? Tea has said that he's the way he is because that's how I see the character as whom he started out. Dr. L is insistent that he's just a part of my mind come to life but some of our interactions have been like nothing so much as me trying to visualize him and me controlling certain aspects of him (such as how similar he is to Dr. Lecter - again, a character as whom he started out, although also a character from whom he consciously deviated). Maybe I was creating or shaping them and it was totally unconscious.

I think I might try to create one on purpose now. I'm going to wait, though. I want to get a little underway with Dr. L (and Tea - he's come back lately, bidden for totally unexpected reasons, and he's changed a little bit. Not necessarily for the better. During the time he was back, he dissociated, and I think we need to address that.)

Maybe I've finally found a word for what has been going on in my head.
morethanthese: (Default)
I've been lately working on this cognitive empathy thing I was going to try out (where I want to be able to intellectually understand and accept anyone's point of view). Because I personally have a tendency to judge other people's points of view through my own point of view - that is, I compare other people's views to my own worldview to determine whether or not their ideas or actions are reasonable/logical. It's been going interestingly.

I tried it while talking to my old friend when I saw her on Thursday. She was talking about some ways people have mistreated her lately - and not in a complaining way, either, just in a "this is what I've been up to, and I'm talking about it because these were things that happened"

And she explained the other people's points of view and on one hand, I could totally understand hers, but on the other hand, I tried understanding theirs without condemning them right off and I found myself sort of understanding their justifications for what they did. Like I didn't excuse it but I did understand why a person would think that way and I could (for the moments I was taking on their point of view) accept them as reasonable.

I would have felt like a traitor to my friend were it not for the fact that I was totally aware of the fact that I did not ACTUALLY think the other people's actions were RIGHT, just that they made sense for a certain point of view and I was capable of assuming that point of view. I'm sure if I were a little more emotionally-inclined, I would have felt like an actual traitor.

Last night, while my family and I were in the car at a gas station (my dad was getting gas), I was watching a guy as he was opening the door to the gas station building itself. There was a little doorstop thing on the door, and he was trying to get it to work. I felt that sort of "oh no a thing isn't working I hope it works and I hope the person isn't inconvenienced wait why aren't I helping out" sort of thing I feel when I see things not going right the first time (it's an instinct I've developed for reasons). He got it to work by opening up the door wide enough and I realized that I had, for a moment, invested myself in this stranger's life for a moment and processed it as though it were my own life. It wasn't intentional (I don't think) and it just sort of...happened.

I literally only tried this because I thought it would be interesting and because it was similar to something one of my favorite fictional characters can do and I'm often inspired to try skills because fictional people I like have them. And...well, I want to see where this goes, really. This interests me.


Apr. 11th, 2014 09:11 pm
morethanthese: (Default)
Also, for some news regarding IRL things!

My family and I are going to the mountains this weekend. While there, we are going to:
* Cook steak
* See our friends who also have a cabin up there (and their dogs!! we're going to see their dogs because they have dogs and we always see their dogs when we're with them but I mean dogs!!)
* Write
* Go to the little movie theater in the town - it only shows one movie at a time, and this time 'round, it's the new Captain America movie (my sister, the friends, and I have pretty much the same taste in movies, and our dad stays home and does work around the house while we go to the movies. Don't worry. He actually likes this arrangement. He likes doing the work.)
* Read
* Hang out

We're going to have a good time.
morethanthese: (Default)
My dad and sister were at a swim meet between 11 and 5, and I had the house all to myself. I thought, a bit sadly, "Six hours all to myself, and I'm going to spend them on the internet."

This turned out not to be the case. I went on a very productive series of errands with my aunt - the one with the kids - in which I got hamster food that I noticed I needed earlier today and a whole bunch of presents I'm going to give to my queerplatonic partner for her birthday. (I'm putting loads of stuff in a box and giving it to her. Inspired by something the best friend of a friend of mine did.)

I am having inordinate amounts of fun putting her presents in the box. Here's the thing: I think everyone has some fairly random, very specific thing that gives them great pleasure, and mine is selecting enjoyable things to put in containers and figuring out how they should all fit together. Like I really really enjoy that. So I'm having a brilliant time filling Sofya's box full of stuff and arranging it all.

I'm so glad my day turned out the way it did. It was a little crummy and stressful earlier (I had to facilitate some communication at church, and I was worried my dad would be upset about something), but it got much better. I find that, much of the time, days that start awfully for me turn out much better, and this was one such day.
morethanthese: (Default)
I deserve a bit of a medal.

I sat through dinner with my family, which was okay, and I sat through after-dinner conversation, which was even more okay, because we talked about interesting and often amusing things.

But at some point, I started getting really anxious and I needed to be alone. I needed to not be around people. Maybe it's because I've sort of been around people all day, maybe it was a legit mental illness thing (I don't know anymore), but I needed to go. But I couldn't. My dad was talking, and there was zero way I could get out of the conversation. And every time I thought he was done, he wasn't, and I bravely sat through it even though my head was screaming at me and I wanted to cry and hyperventilate somewhere.

The conversation finally ended, but then my sister wanted to show us some YouTube video. Well, there was zero way I could get out of THAT, either, and I followed them and watched the video. Fortunately, it was only a minute long, but it was a minute more than I thought I could stand being around people.

Finally I got out and finally I'm here and I have no idea what's going on with me or what I'm doing. I do know that I will probably get to actually be by myself, though, so whatever's going on, I can work through it. I'm making myself a giant pot of tea, which is difficult because I've sort of lost motor control and stuff like that right now. I wish I knew why. That'd be nice.
morethanthese: (Default)
I talked to my queerplatonic partner about my probable narcissism. Because I've determined that I may well have narcissistic personality disorder. I've decided I'm not really going to tell many people about my narcissism, even if it's confirmed/diagnosed (which I hope it isn't; it would make getting a job really hard, I bet). Most people don't need to know, and it doesn't really help them help me or forewarn them about behaviors I might engage in, it just explains a lot of things I already do and think. (That is, my tendency to think of everything in relation to myself, my grandiose expectations of myself, which I cannot get rid of, my obsession with being noticed and appreciated, my constant need for appreciation, and of course my lack of empathy.)

I explained to her that my psychologist told me that I view people as animate objects and that said psychologist was probably correct. I see people as animate objects with needs and desires, which I often help fill due to moral obligation (because of my upbringing), but objects nonetheless. I do not really experience empathy towards people. I thought I experienced empathy towards them, but with the revelation that I might be a narcissist, I realized I just care about some people's reactions more than others. That is, sometimes, I seem like I'm genuinely interested in making people happy, but I like seeing them happy because the stimuli they produce when happy is interesting and pleasing to me. That is, I don't care about people, I care about their reactions and behaviors.

I explained this to her, telling her that I thought I experienced actual empathy towards her, but no, I just care about her reactions and stuff more than I care about other people's. When I help her when she's upset, it's not because I feel for her, it's because her being unhappy makes me personally unhappy and I would like to get rid of it.

I then explained to her that this doesn't mean that, when I offer emotional support, it's just because I'm trying to get rid of a stimulus I don't like (like why most people try to make babies stop crying). I am personally attached to her for some reason or another, so when I can to get rid of her upset, it's not just because seeing her upset annoys or bothers me, it's because I don't like seeing HER specifically upset, and it's actually related individually to her.

This led me to explain that I view her in a way that many people might consider possessive but that isn't supposed to be. I view her as MINE, as MY person. There it is, my tendency to make everything relate to me in some way. That is, if she is unhappy, it's not "I have to make this person not-unhappy", it's more like "I have to make my person not-unhappy". Like I view her as my responsibility because I like/am attached to her, but I also view her as something connected to me. It's not just because she's a person or because I like her, it's because she's MY person. Apparently she sees people in a similar way (she told me so) and this might be a common person thing, or it might be a little quirk unrelated to narcissism, or it could be something that relates to narcissism but that can also appear in otherwise non-narcissistic people.

After we got this stuff out of the way, I told her one more unpleasant thing, which was that a lot of the time, I view her emotional support as a resource that I can easily get when I want it or need it. I'm not trying to manipulate her or anything, I just recognize that when I am unhappy and want emotional support form another person, her emotional support tends to work for me, and it is relatively easy for me to get it. I didn't really have a good defense for this, but I justified it by saying that it's like a mutualistic symbiotic relationship, where both parties benefit from each other in some way. She's a resource of emotional support, and she's told me before that she likes me and I'm apparently beneficial to her (I don't even remember how, which is unusual, me not remembering information that relates to myself). Furthermore, there's a sense of respect and attachment between us that transcends a mere symbiotic relationship, and then I became an awkward mess of words trying to explain what it was exactly between us. I'm rubbish at explaining emotions and stuff, I really am.

She was apparently okay, though, with how my probable narcissism factors into our relationship and the things I do and how I perceive and treat her. She thanked me for telling her, and I told her she deserved to know.

I'm really glad this person is my queerplatonic partner because I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone else who would be a tenth as okay with hearing someone say they view them as an animate object with needs and desires and that they look after their emotions not out of empathy but because they do not like that that particular reason is upset and that most of this is all because they view the person as THEIR person, in a possessive/self-related sense, and that this is all basically a big symbiotic relationship like in biology.
morethanthese: (Default)
Hello. It's 2014 now. 2013 was a total sod, so I'm glad that 2014 is happening now. I started 2014 by watching "The Time of the Doctor" (the Doctor Who episode where Eleven regenerates - I hadn't seen it yet, hadn't had the chance) and I think the Doctor's views towards regenerating were pretty good for me to know. He said it was okay to become a new person, because that's how life is, as long as you don't forget who you were in the past. Maybe this year I'll become a new person. I'll become someone who's not a whiny self-pitying sod with a god complex and a co-dependent need to identify with whatever group of person is easiest for me to be part of. That would be nice.

Now, today started out brilliant (I drank three wineglasses full of tea, did a fiction submission, watched Doctor Who with my Aunt Dee-Dee, Uncle Gary, and Becky - my sister and I spent the night at our aunt and uncle's on New Years Eve - I ate a waffle with whipped cream for lunch), and then I...well, I went home to talk to my dad about things (namely how I was going to my grandparents' house today to spend the night - I'd had his permission). I didn't make him angry per se, but I did do something that got an irritated reaction from him and he's not listening to things that my sister and aunt are saying, by which I mean he's misinterpreting them through not properly hearing or comprehending some things they're saying. It's not a big deal (well, not to me, because I'm not at my house right now) but it is business as usual for me, and I don't like that this is business as usual, especially since, for most of the end of December, it wasn't business as usual and I just wish it weren't business as usual.

I'm at my grandparents' house and I'm going to sleep here and I'm just avoiding things now.

I had a conversation with my aunt Suzanne wherein she suggested that I might be a miracle - that is, my very existence might be a miracle, much like, say, in Doctor Who, some of the characters' very existences are time paradoxes - because I'm able to do a lot of things that I simply shouldn't be able to do. (I pick up skills and become good at them in a ridiculously short amount of time, I can do most of my school by getting by on BS skills, I do a number of disordered behaviors that I should have repercussions for but don't). I didn't feel comfortable with that because 1. I don't believe legit God-given miracles are very common and not lengthy enough events to cover the lifetime - no, the existence - of another person, and 2. the only person whose existence I believe was a literal miracle was Jesus Christ, and...well, I do not think it is my place to be put on a comparable level to that of the savior of mankind and all.

It's a real shame I had to refute the idea that my existence is a miracle (as in, a literal one, not a figurative one - not like how Gamzee calls things miracles or anything). I refuted it on basis of the fact that I don't think real miracles work like that. It would be really nice to let someone think I am a literal miracle, but you can't think things based on how nice they seem on a metaphorical level. You can't treat metaphors like they're reality.

No one had ever called me a miracle before and now I'm sad I had to explain to her that I wasn't.

I apologize for how rambly this thing was. Due to anxiety due to the thing with my father, I took one of my anti-anxiety pills, and they calm me down but they make my head go all funny, and yeah.


Dec. 28th, 2013 01:13 pm
morethanthese: (Default)
Every so often, my brain undergoes a "reset" about certain information. It tends to be following some sort of trauma or negative experience, and the information tends to be at least tangentially related to the bad thing that happened. "Reset" might perhaps be the wrong word, as I don't forget that things exist, but I do fail to understand them personally anymore. After graduating from my old school (probably the most traumatic thing I've ever had to endure), I underwent a reset about empathy. This was rather difficult and I've still had trouble getting my ability to empathize back. Sometime after my mother died, I inexplicably underwent a reset about hugging - that is, I forgot how to properly give people hugs. (The fact that I am touch aversive does not help matters.)

This year, I underwent a reset about Christmas. I remembered what Christmas was, its history and meaning (that is, an observation and celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ), and how people celebrate it in my country (that is, with Christmas trees and presents and hanging up stockings). But it was the customs I failed to understand on a personal level. I saw everything as though I were not a foreigner who didn't celebrate Christmas so much as an alien who didn't even understand holidays.

If you think about it, a lot of things we do at Christmas are a bit strange. We put socks near our fireplaces, we put trees in our house, we put decorations on the tree, we put lights on the tree, we put lights on our houses, we put lights on many things, we sing songs we don't sing any other time of year, we give people presents regardless of whether or not we like them and we expect the same of them. I have a penchant for realizing the strangeness in things everyone else takes for granted, and this year, this penchant extended to Christmas.

I watched The Nightmare Before Christmas this year (I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen it since then), and I related perfectly to Jack Skellington in Christmastown singing "What's This". I was delightfully puzzled by the things we do for Christmas and how we seem to do them in mass numbers, like some madness takes us all in December and we act upon it. It wasn't a bad thing. I actually really liked it, because like Jack Skellington, I was discovering something new and being perfectly enchanted by it. I like Christmas and I always have, and it was strangely enjoyable to do all these things that didn't make sense to me but that were fun nonetheless.

Around the time Christmas Day rolled around, I had fully internalized the Christmas traditions we collectively do, and I thought they were "normal" enough for me to have a normal Christmas with everyone else.

Well, I thought I was having a normal Christmas. My dad and sister and I opened presents on Christmas morning, like we've done in years past, and we went to our Aunt Suzanne's house to meet with other family members like we've done in years past. It all felt normal, and since I couldn't really remember what other Christmases felt like, I went along with it.

However, when we came home, my dad told us that, since this is our first Christmas without our mother, we don't really know what a "normal" Christmas is like, so we did our best under the circumstances, and we did pretty well.

I agree with him that we did well, but with that statement, I understood why I had undergone a reset about Christmas. I understood why I didn't personally understand Christmas traditions and why my memory had purged itself of the feelings of Christmases past and why I didn't recall what a normal Christmas was. It was the same reason people's memories often purge themselves of traumatic incidents. It was a self-defense mechanism.

It was because, if I had remembered, I would remember that my mother wasn't around for this Christmas, and given that she was always so involved with us during this holiday, I wouldn't have been able to deal with that.

I spent the rest of the night (not that there was a whole lot of it) feeling kind of traumatized and not actually covering myself with a blanket and rocking back and forth in the corner but definitely feeling like that on the inside. I stayed like this long after my family had gone to bed (I often stay up later than them, and I don't know why), and after a while, I realized I had to go to bed, too, despite the fact that my feelings hadn't gone away.

It was a shame. It really was. Because I had enjoyed my confusion over Christmas until then. It made the holiday season whimsical and interesting, and on Christmas Day itself, I had to go and realize it was for a very unhappy reason.
morethanthese: (Default)
Soooo, I suspect you all want to know how it worked out yesterday, asking that friend of mine to be my queerplatonic partner and whether or not I thought it was a good idea. Well, no, that's silly; no one reads these, so naturally no one really cares, but! I'm going to talk about it anyway!

I thought I wasn't going to be able to do it, but I did it! It would have been very difficult for me to say it verbally, but fortunately, shortly before I decided to ask her, we got each other holiday presents at the Barnes and Noble we were hanging out at, and she gave me a notebook. We were sitting together and I was writing in the notebook (working on my novel) and she was reading Les Miserables, and I realized I could just write out my proposal on paper.

I tore out a page; she didn't notice. I started writing on it; she didn't notice. I wrote frantically and shakily and breathing became increasingly difficult and for the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to feel one's heart beating harder and faster; she didn't notice.

I put it in front of her, and when I tapped her book with the pen, she finally noticed. I told her to read the thing I wrote. She set down the book and read it. The panic was gone somewhat, because getting the words out was the worst part. She read it, and she got to the end. At the end, after I had explained once again what queerplatonicism was, I asked her whether or not she wanted to be my queerplatonic partner, with "y/n" written at the bottom. She gave it back to me with "y" circled.

A high-five ensued, as did a little conversation about it. I explained that I'd been stressing out over it previously and that my nervousness today was the explanation for some unusual behavior previously. We then made some jokes about the new status of our relationship (one of them including her saying, "Relationship upgrade accomplished"), and we went back to doing what we were doing.

It worked. I decided it was the advisable thing to do in the end, she said yes, and now we describe our relationship in a new way, and everything's good. Two days before Christmas, I got a queerplatonic partner, and I suspect that's as good a Christmas present as any.

I'm legitimately happy.

My day

Dec. 20th, 2013 09:27 pm
morethanthese: (Default)
Today, I got a Christmas tree with my grandpa, did chores for my grandma, learned what to do when I want to have a nice, relaxing time at my grandparents and young cousins won't let me because they're loud (I barricade myself in the room I sleep in at their house, that room without internet), did some unexpected Christmas shopping, got some rad stuff for my cousins and figured out what I'm going to give Ashley and Rebecca, got a small Lego Bilbo Baggins on a keychain for myself, started playing Ib, and opened the contents of a Christmas cracker that one of my dad's employees gave him.

It's been a cool day.
morethanthese: (Default)
I just got back from a dinner with my family. My dad brought home tacos as well as some food his music students gave him. My Aunt Suzanne was there and my dad told us interesting and awesome stories about his childhood and his adventures as a professional musician.

Before that, I was at an event at my library where they showed The Nightmare Before Christmas for the teenagers (I go to many of the teen events despite being in my second year of college; no one needs to know how old I am). I'd seen the movie a few times before but it had been years since I last saw it and wow was I struck with how it works on a really deep symbolic, almost allegorical, level. I might write a review of it where I explain that. But watching it was a really enjoyable experience.

Tomorrow, I'm going to a "cookie party" with my sister at my aunt and uncle's house. My aunt's not going to be there, but my uncle is. My uncle's fantastic. He's a really funny guy and he appreciates everything my sister and I say. We're going to make Christmas cookies, and I've announced my intent to make "gingerbread Doctors" - that is, I'm going to decorate gingerbread men so they resemble various versions of the Doctor. Then we're going Christmas shopping together.

The day after, I might do some more Christmas things with my aunt Suzanne. If we do stuff, we're going to get a Christmas tree for her house and we're going to wrap some presents and quite likely do some other stuff. Also, my dad confirmed that we're getting a Christmas tree this year. I thought at first that we weren't getting a tree, but we're getting one! I don’t know when, but we're getting it! And we get to decorate it! (Sorry, this makes me really happy. It doesn't feel like Christmas until you’ve got the tree, and we're actually going to have one this year, when I thought we wouldn't!)

It's finally beginning to feel like Christmas, and stuff's going well with my family, and this is essentially all I need out of life right now.
morethanthese: (Default)
You know what?

I choose to accept the grade I got in math.

I choose to accept that B.

I choose not to view it as mediocre.

I choose to no longer say that A is for "average" and the B is for "bad". I choose to say that A is for "awesome" and B is for "brilliant".

And you know what? I quite like the word "brilliant".
morethanthese: (Default)
Today was a difficult day for me, emotionally.

It started in my English class (as so many things in my life do, apparently). My teacher was telling us things about how he wanted us to leave his class as "people of conscience" (his term; I quite like it, actually), people who learned to think critically and accept other perspectives and make good choices. It was really a lovely speech he gave us - he said a lot of nice things I agreed with - but it made me sad because it made me realize, "Oh crud, I'm leaving this class. I'm really leaving it. I loved this class and I have to say goodbye to it. I have to say goodbye to the teacher, and I have to say goodbye to my classmates, and I have to say goodbye to the great discussions we had and the wonderful environment and jlk;dfjgoiaejdgosfg I can't do this oh no oh no". At that point, my brain started having a freakout and I wanted to cry in class, but I wasn't going to do that. I really really wanted an object to squeeze, like a small stuffed animal or something, but I didn't have anything. I took out the dice in my pocket (because I keep three dice in my pocket at all times - it's an anxiety thing) and I rolled them around in my hand, but it only helped a little bit.

I'm not very good at losing people and things. I lose people and things all the time, usually for school reasons, but it's very difficult for me because I want to get attached to things and have them in my life for a long time, but this can't happen for me. (This is what kept my eighteenth birthday and graduation from high school two years ago - my birthday is really close to the end of the school year - from being enjoyable events. I was afraid of losing the people I'd become so close to and the place I had come to love. My relationship with my old school; there's a story, maybe I'll tell it sometime.)

Anyway, after class, I went on to take my obscenely long break. (By "obscenely long break", I mean "my class schedule gives me a full hour between my first and second classes".) One of my acquaintances found me in the place I normally hang out during that break. It was nice, because she was one of the first people I met this semester, and we have genuinely interesting conversations, but it's unlikely we'll take any of the same classes next semester, and we had a conversation I really liked. But as the conversation ended, we talked about my difficulty in making friends - I have trouble getting close to people, and it usually takes me a long time to really become friends with someone. But I can tell if I'm about to become friends with someone, and it's annoying and upsetting when I have to leave them before we can really become friends. We talked about that and the fact that I don't really have friends (not ones I see in real life, anyway).

Trigger warning for domestic abuse. )

I was expecting my math class to be over really quickly, but it wasn't. I was expecting us to turn in our homework, get our take-home tests, and leave. Because our test was a take-home test, because the teacher was absent so many times (she's having family trouble, as I understand it), and there wasn't enough time for her to prepare us for the test, so she gave us the advantage of having a take-home test. I'm going to review it with a cousin of mine who's very good at math, and I hope I get a good grade, because I'm practically failing math. I have a 73%, and I'm used to getting really good grades on things. Academics, you see, is pretty much the only thing I'm good for that matters. And I'm failing in one of my classes. Granted, I'm terrible at math anyway, and that's not really my academic strong point, but it's making me unhappy enough that my self-esteem has taken a tremendous drop because of my math class.

Anyhow. We didn't just get our test and go on our merry way. Apparently, there was material we still had to learn, and while I understood it pretty well, it made me unhappy and a bit anxious that my math class went on much longer than I thought it would.

Trigger warning for disordered eating. )

Trigger warning for self-harm. )

Things got somewhat better after that, though. I guess there's a certain point in the day where, if I've been having a hard enough day, I'm just so emotionally spent that I can't be sad anymore, so I immediately get ridiculously happy. This is what happened today. After eating, I did some drawing while listening to Christmas music. I have decided that one of my favorite things about the holiday season is the fact that I can listen to Christmas music without feeling dorky. Because I rather like Christmas music, at least classic Christmas music. It makes me feel nice much of the time. I also drew some 60-Second Zacharies. The term "60-Second Zacharie" refers to the fact that I recently discovered that I have the special talent of being able to draw Zacharie from OFF in about a minute and have it look kind of good. It kind of turned into an exploration of different facial expressions on Zacharie, though, and I was kind of pleased with the result. It looked like this:

I drew a few more unhappy-looking Zacharies than happy-looking ones, which is interesting, because I was actually really happy when I was drawing these. Also, notice how I don't even try to draw hands so that they look good anymore. Also, notice how I drew cat mask Zacharie once and then did toad mask Zacharies all after that. I've decided I prefer drawing toad mask Zacharie.  Also, yes, that is a little drawing of Zacharie with Sugar and the Batter. I thought it would be nice to see them together where they're happy (or at least two out of three of them are happy. Happy!Batter is a bit of an odd thing to imagine.)

Tomorrow, I'm taking a self-care day. I'm going to stay at home (declining an offer my aunt made for me to help her work at her school - she's a kindergarten teacher, and sometimes I help her). I'm going to knit, I'm going to watch a movie or two, I'm going to do a little homework, I'm going to do some writing, I'm going to send some poems and stories to publishers, and I'm probably going to do some drawing.

I suppose it can only get better from here. I've had a rough week/week and a half (my really bad feelings started like maybe two weeks ago and didn't really get bad until maybe ten days ago or something?) and I need things to get better. I think they're going to get better. I really really hope my saying that won't make it go wrong, because I find that, as soon as I say something or make a prediction, it turns out to be totally false. I hope that's not the case. Well, I can't think of why things wouldn't start getting better. That's something, at least, eh?


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January 2015

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