morethanthese: (Default)
I'd like to discuss a problem I have. It is about making an attempt to consume non-problematic material. The problem is that all the popular stuff is problematic (that is an exaggeration but not a huge one.) I'm aware that the case may be that, because it's popular, it has more visibility, and that allows a greater number of people to be aware of and criticize its problematic elements.

But the attempt to consume non-problematic material (not even because I'm being "socially aware" or anything - which is a perfectly valid reason for doing something by the way - it's just that consuming material that has glaring problematic flaws bothers me to the point where I cannot enjoy the thing), I have begun to consume material that few people have heard of. And this is a bit of a lonely experience.
It's all well and good that some people on Tumblr have heard of the things I like, but people IRL haven't. I used to bond with people over Doctor Who and Sherlock. Now I have lost the ability to enjoy these things (well. I've totally lost it with Sherlock and the only reason I associate myself with Doctor Who and all is for personal reasons and the fact that it has a longer history than some of the other things that are hailed as problematic, and somehow this...changes things for me, I don't know why).

I'm not going to find myself in a queue see someone wearing a Gravity Falls shirt and talk to them about the show because we immediately know we have that in common. I'm not going to see someone reading ´╗┐The Secret History´╗┐ and start fangeeking over it with them. I'm not going to notice a Caustic Soda button on somebody's bag and launch into a round of "lesser of two evils" with them. (Hell, the last of these things mentioned doesn't even have a Tumblr fandom, it doesn't have a fandom like at all.)
I wish my ethical and personal concerns didn't make it so that I can't meet people who like the same things.
morethanthese: (Default)
Hi. I am aware that no one reads (or rather read) this journal. Not an awful lot has happened since I last posted (which was in April of last year). I don't care to give the highlights of what has happened (mostly because no one reads this journal).

I've returned for the purpose of interacting with a fellow system on a shared journal/account/thingity they've made. It is unlikely that I will post on this journal very much. Which is not to anyone's great misfortune because again. Nobody reads this. But yeah, that's a thing.
morethanthese: (black books)
My human development class (the first class of the day) was cancelled. The teacher sent no note or anything and that was two hours of my day I had to find another way to occupy. I didn't have my computer today, either (I didn't think I'd need it, lol) but I finally went off to the library, in deep resignation, and alternately studied for my math class and read. That was probably a productive use of my time.

I got somewhere between a B and a C on my math test, which is pretty good for me, because for me, a math test is successful if I even passed. I bet I passed.

I'm now at home, and my sister's not here. Which is great, I love being home alone. I'm going to alternately read Hannibal crack fic and play Porpentine games and at some point eat.

I have literally no homework I have to do and frankly, my plans for today are to do some serious goofing off.

Let the goofing off begin.
morethanthese: (Default)
* Given that I have little if not zero capacity for empathy, I also have no frame of reference to understand what it's like to have empathy (with all my assumptions about empathy coming from either psychology-based material I've read on it, real or fictitious situations I'm aware of where someone's capacity for empathy was important, or my own assumptions or inductions about it). This means that anything I say about empathy or how it is expressed in other people is a little bit like someone who's been deaf since birth trying to explain a piece of music.

* There are people I know - my family, my friends, my Tumblr followers - who see me not as I see other people (i.e. animate objects, albeit ones with needs) but as most other people see other people. The fact that other people see me as an Actual Real Person is more overwhelming than you would think.

* Space is big. Vastly, overwhelmingly big. I have lately become more aware of the size of space than I usual and all I have to say is that it has Really Hit Me how BIG space is.
morethanthese: (Default)
Trigger warning: Frequent mentions of depression and suicide

I've been worried about what will happen if Hannibal is cancelled and Season 3 doesn't happen. Because it's something of a realistic possibility.

I mean I know the episodes that have already been made aren't going anywhere (nor are the episodes from Season 2 that have yet to show) and neither is the fandom (I hope. Dear god, I HOPE.)

But I'm scared because while I'll still have those things,

all I can think of is how badly i was doing before i started watching hannibal

all i can think of is how i was sad because i felt disconnected from all my other interests and how i wanted a new fandom but i didn't know what that fandom would be

all i can think of is how i told my friend that i couldn't play a joke for april fools' because all my other jokes had been tumblr and facebook posts in which i basically loudly and exaggeratedly denounced whatever my interest or "thing" was at the time (one year it was doctor who, another it was writing) only to point out it was april fools' and how nothing i did this year would be funny because i didn't have any particular interest or "thing" at the time and the only "thing" i had was being suicidal and depressed, and "guess what guys I'm not suicidal or depressed anymore and life is beautiful and i enjoy living! jk april fools" just isn't funny and then sometime after april fools was over and i was into hannibal, i pointed out that if i had to make that post again, it would have been about hannibal

i'm nervous and i am getting ridiculously worked up over something so small and who knows, maybe if the show ends i won't end up going back where i was before it and maybe i'm worried over nothing and hannibal won't be cancelled after all but all i know is that i don't KNOW what's going to happen and if hannibal ends up being cancelled after all then i genuinely don't know what's going to happen to me

*

I had to walk around the room wearing my shock blanket and clutching my stuffed dog whilst Dr. L (oh, the irony) and I had to go through a plan as to what to do if Hannibal does end up being cancelled.

"If Hannibal ISN'T cancelled," he began, "what will you do?"

"Be happy," I said. "Everything will go on as normal."

"And if it IS cancelled, what will you do?"

"I'll be really upset."

"What will you do about that?"

"Try to stay in the fandom if it still exists. Re-watch the old episodes, read fanfiction. Maybe get into another fandom."

"What fandom will you get into?"

I don't remember the exact exchange that took place right after that but I somehow settled upon Attack on Titan as my next fandom. (I don't even know how I came to that but whatever.)

"So if Hannibal does not get past Season 2," said Dr. L, "you will be upset, but then you will re-watch episodes of the show, you will read fanfiction for it, and you will watch Attack on Titan."

"Yeah, what else can I do?"

"And you believe that, if the show is cancelled, you'll be depressed like you were earlier?"

"I don't know but it's likely."

"In which case, your plan seems about as good as any plan could be in the face of this situation."

Love

Apr. 25th, 2014 01:17 pm
morethanthese: (cecil)
You know what?

I was thinking about some things and I realized that I've assimilated someone I know into my concept of "people who are associated with me". That is, the circle of people I've come to view as parts of myself, or as being "mine", or in some other way connected to me in a way that allows my lack of empathy and narcissistic emotions to feel for them.

And you know what else?

It occurred to me that this might mean that I love that person. There's very little logical reason for me to love them (we don't talk very much, we don't share any common interests of which I'm aware, we aren't close) but nevertheless, I could possibly qualify my feelings towards them as love.

And you know what else?

Since literally the only thing keeping me from loving them is the fact that I have not qualified my feelings as love - that is, I simply haven't said I love them - then maybe love is just saying you feel a certain way. Maybe it's not how you feel. Maybe it's just how you choose to view and describe the way you feel. So in theory, I could choose to describe my feelings towards literally everyone as love. If I called it love, and if I chose to view it as love, who's to keep me from saying that it really is love?

Maybe I just figured out something.
morethanthese: (Default)
Well, I know I was saying things that made the future status of my relationship with Sofya a bit ambiguous (i.e. I was regretting it) but due to recent events, there is very little possibility of my terminating the relationship in the near future. Some hard times have befallen her and it wouldn't do to end the relationship now. Not only would she not be able to benefit from it, it would probably just traumatize her further. (Incidentally, I don't use the word "traumatize" lightly, but I am talking about an event that could give one legitimate trauma, and adding another bad event onto it would not make things any better.")

To quote a repeated line from OFF, maybe it's better this way.
morethanthese: (black books)
I am using Gaia online again. (My username's "The Wordsmithy".) I got a few new items today and I altered my avatar so that it now looks like this:



It now has a rather Arthur Dent quality to it and I can imagine it with an English accent. Yes. This is good.
morethanthese: (Default)
I don't really seem to be getting much anywhere here on Dreamwidth. That is, I'm saying things but no one's reading them.

I wonder why I keep it up unless it's under the delusion that someone will finally see these things and care about them.

Dice

Apr. 22nd, 2014 07:24 am
morethanthese: (strangely unhappy-looking will graham)
I've lost one of my dice.

The dice that I always kept in my pocket as an anti-anxiety tool. I've lost one of them.

I very well can't have the other two in my pocket without the third, so I guess I'm just going to forgo the others.

I'm not exactly MOURNING the loss of the dice but there's a weird sort of heaviness in my heart that may or may not have any right in being there.
morethanthese: (cabin pressure)
I talked to someone I vaguely know about my relationship problems today. She suggested that I break up the relationship. Weirdly enough, now that I've had someone literally verbally (this was an IRL conversation) talk to me about this, I feel more like carrying on with it than anything else. I think it's because it's been acknowledged in real life. (I had previously only talked to Jared about it, and only once, and over text.) That makes it real. That means I can choose whatever I want with it.

*

I was doing some research on tulpas today for various reasons, and...I think Dr. L might be a tulpa. Actually, maybe all my facets are tulpas. I know the defining characteristic of a tulpa is that one creates them on purpose, but what if I created them on accident? Tea has said that he's the way he is because that's how I see the character as whom he started out. Dr. L is insistent that he's just a part of my mind come to life but some of our interactions have been like nothing so much as me trying to visualize him and me controlling certain aspects of him (such as how similar he is to Dr. Lecter - again, a character as whom he started out, although also a character from whom he consciously deviated). Maybe I was creating or shaping them and it was totally unconscious.

I think I might try to create one on purpose now. I'm going to wait, though. I want to get a little underway with Dr. L (and Tea - he's come back lately, bidden for totally unexpected reasons, and he's changed a little bit. Not necessarily for the better. During the time he was back, he dissociated, and I think we need to address that.)

Maybe I've finally found a word for what has been going on in my head.
morethanthese: (Default)
I think I love my hamster more than I love my queerplatonic partner.

I am really properly awful and I should not even be interacted with. (Which may have been a self-deprecating exaggeration but it's how I feel now.)

Easter

Apr. 20th, 2014 10:49 am
morethanthese: (dramatic hannibal)
Trigger warning: This post is essentially about suicide (though in the context of me wanting to commit it, not me actually going to commit it). It also makes continual references to Christianity and death in a non-suicidal context.

This Easter is not exactly going off positively so far.

I went to church with my family, which was nice until I realized, at some point, that the preacher was talking about how, because Christ has died for our sins and risen from the dead, we do not have to fear death if we have Christ inside us. This freaked me out because it occurred to me that this means I am not afraid of dying, and while not being afraid of death is a pretty good thing, it does facilitate my being suicidal. And while I'm glad I'm a Christian and while I'm glad I have hope for life after death, it's a little alarming to realize that the thing we're rightfully celebrating today is a thing that negates a popular argument against suicide. That is, the argument that you won't be free from your life if you kill yourself because you'll be dead and you won't enjoy it. If I killed myself, then, assuming suicide does not automatically send you to Hell (which doesn't make sense if you think about it, or at least not according to what I believe), I will not only maintain my consciousness, I will go to a place infinitely better than anything that could happen to me in the world, and certainly better than what I'm experiencing now.

I am not saying that my religion makes me suicidal, but I am saying that it is a reason I don't fear death and it is another reason I don't want to live in this world, and while I personally think these things are okay and even logical, it's a little alarming to realize how they interact with one's pre-existing mental health problems.

I feel like people want to celebrate life on Easter, but the origins of the holiday (to me, the true reason for the holiday) just make me want to die.
morethanthese: (cecil facepalm)
I've been upset a bit lately over the fact that my birthday's coming up and I'm unlikely to have a birthday party (other than the traditional party my family always gives me - by "traditional" I mean "my family always does a birthday party whenever it's someone's birthday").

My birthday has made me rather melancholy the last few years, probably because I've lacked people with whom to celebrate it. Friends, I mean. People with whom I want to celebrate things. People with whom I want to have fun.

One of my problems is that I just don't know how to have fun. I don't know what I like to do, largely because I don't know what there is to do. I just might play Cards Against Humanity online with some of my Tumblr followers (whoever shows up, really) and that'll be my birthday party.

*

I've done a little writing today - it was very difficult because I haven't really wanted to write lately. But I did get some stuff out. It was mainly a non-serious scene featuring the two main characters of my story in a situation where they're actually happy. Which isn't normal for them. But eh. I did writing.
morethanthese: (dramatic hannibal)
Today I realized that the "ideal person" I had imagined the other day could probably technically exist (in that there's nothing about the specifications about them that could not exist in a real-life person) but would probably also be very rare and difficult to find and I would probably never meet them.

I don't know which bothered me most - the realization that I do have a dream person or the realization that said person will probably remain a dream.
morethanthese: (Default)
I -

I really do not deserve to be in a relationship of any kind.

I realized that, even if I weren't aromantic, it would be wrong of me to qualify any of my feelings as romantic because I am not capable of healthy relationships. I'm either too selfish or too concerned with not being selfish.

I wish I could have someone whose problems were the same as mine and not the total opposite (like, someone whose problems didn't involve being triggered by my own). I wish I could have someone who finds my problems fascinating and wants to hear about them. Someone who, if I complained and cried at them, would consider it giving both ways - I'd give them things that interest them to hear about, they'd give me the attention I'd need. I want someone who is generally non-emotional except when getting excited about our mutual interests (because frankly getting over-excited about things that interest one is great). Someone who does get frustrated and upset with things but chooses to keep it inside, partly due to personal preference, partly due to interest in not being rude or selfish or inconsiderate of others. I would love that that person would be so good at controlling their emotions and so considerate of the effects of their emotions on others. I would want to learn how to do that, maybe. Maybe I'd become fascinated with that person. They would be fascinated with me at first, and then I would be fascinated with them.

I can't believe I'm saying something to the effect of "this is my ideal person" because I never used to think like that. Maybe my ideal person is essentially me but with what I want to be thrown in. I am exactly narcissistic enough for that.
morethanthese: (Default)
I went to the Mind Palace yesterday night. I think I was a little nervous. I didn't want therapy, I just wanted to be there. Dr. L and I played pool despite my total lack of knowledge on how to do so. It works like dream logic, how you can do something in your dreams even if you have no real-life capacity for it. Then I left and he played pool while I held onto my stuffed dog, my back to the table. I imagine myself standing in that room holding onto my stuffed dog a lot now. When I'm anxious or unhappy or experiencing a lot of emotion of whatever kind.

Dr. L asked if I wanted to explore the new rooms I had created. I said I didn't. I just wanted to be in the room I already knew. We decided to call it the Red Room rather than the Therapy Room. Because it has red walls and frankly, I don't want to use it for therapy all the time, I don't want it to be known just for therapy.

Today, I was able to go there in the car on the way to school. I was there only briefly. I stood with my back to the table, holding the dog again. Dr. L asked me what was going on. I was nervous. He knew it was about school but he asked me why anyway. I told him. He made some sort of highly logical and analytical statement to the effect of "you can do it, Jude".

Progress is made. I like the Red Room. I like my Mind Palace.

crying

Apr. 14th, 2014 07:13 pm
morethanthese: (Default)
It is under a very particular set of circumstances that I can cry.

I must be indoors. I must be alone - this means having no one else in the room as well as having no one else in the house. I must be in a room that I identify as "my own".

This means there are three rooms in which I can cry - my room at my house, my room at my grandparents' house, and my room at my aunt's house. I am seldom alone at either my aunt's house or my grandparents' house. This means that my own room is essentially the only place in the world where I can bring myself to cry.

I am sorry I have to burden this room with my tears.
morethanthese: (Default)
I've been lately working on this cognitive empathy thing I was going to try out (where I want to be able to intellectually understand and accept anyone's point of view). Because I personally have a tendency to judge other people's points of view through my own point of view - that is, I compare other people's views to my own worldview to determine whether or not their ideas or actions are reasonable/logical. It's been going interestingly.

I tried it while talking to my old friend when I saw her on Thursday. She was talking about some ways people have mistreated her lately - and not in a complaining way, either, just in a "this is what I've been up to, and I'm talking about it because these were things that happened"

And she explained the other people's points of view and on one hand, I could totally understand hers, but on the other hand, I tried understanding theirs without condemning them right off and I found myself sort of understanding their justifications for what they did. Like I didn't excuse it but I did understand why a person would think that way and I could (for the moments I was taking on their point of view) accept them as reasonable.

I would have felt like a traitor to my friend were it not for the fact that I was totally aware of the fact that I did not ACTUALLY think the other people's actions were RIGHT, just that they made sense for a certain point of view and I was capable of assuming that point of view. I'm sure if I were a little more emotionally-inclined, I would have felt like an actual traitor.

Last night, while my family and I were in the car at a gas station (my dad was getting gas), I was watching a guy as he was opening the door to the gas station building itself. There was a little doorstop thing on the door, and he was trying to get it to work. I felt that sort of "oh no a thing isn't working I hope it works and I hope the person isn't inconvenienced wait why aren't I helping out" sort of thing I feel when I see things not going right the first time (it's an instinct I've developed for reasons). He got it to work by opening up the door wide enough and I realized that I had, for a moment, invested myself in this stranger's life for a moment and processed it as though it were my own life. It wasn't intentional (I don't think) and it just sort of...happened.

I literally only tried this because I thought it would be interesting and because it was similar to something one of my favorite fictional characters can do and I'm often inspired to try skills because fictional people I like have them. And...well, I want to see where this goes, really. This interests me.

Mountains

Apr. 11th, 2014 09:11 pm
morethanthese: (Default)
Also, for some news regarding IRL things!

My family and I are going to the mountains this weekend. While there, we are going to:
* Cook steak
* See our friends who also have a cabin up there (and their dogs!! we're going to see their dogs because they have dogs and we always see their dogs when we're with them but I mean dogs!!)
* Write
* Go to the little movie theater in the town - it only shows one movie at a time, and this time 'round, it's the new Captain America movie (my sister, the friends, and I have pretty much the same taste in movies, and our dad stays home and does work around the house while we go to the movies. Don't worry. He actually likes this arrangement. He likes doing the work.)
* Read
* Hang out

We're going to have a good time.

Profile

morethanthese: (Default)
Smithy

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