Easter

Trigger warning: This post is essentially about suicide (though in the context of me wanting to commit it, not me actually going to commit it). It also makes continual references to Christianity and death in a non-suicidal context.

This Easter is not exactly going off positively so far.

I went to church with my family, which was nice until I realized, at some point, that the preacher was talking about how, because Christ has died for our sins and risen from the dead, we do not have to fear death if we have Christ inside us. This freaked me out because it occurred to me that this means I am not afraid of dying, and while not being afraid of death is a pretty good thing, it does facilitate my being suicidal. And while I'm glad I'm a Christian and while I'm glad I have hope for life after death, it's a little alarming to realize that the thing we're rightfully celebrating today is a thing that negates a popular argument against suicide. That is, the argument that you won't be free from your life if you kill yourself because you'll be dead and you won't enjoy it. If I killed myself, then, assuming suicide does not automatically send you to Hell (which doesn't make sense if you think about it, or at least not according to what I believe), I will not only maintain my consciousness, I will go to a place infinitely better than anything that could happen to me in the world, and certainly better than what I'm experiencing now.

I am not saying that my religion makes me suicidal, but I am saying that it is a reason I don't fear death and it is another reason I don't want to live in this world, and while I personally think these things are okay and even logical, it's a little alarming to realize how they interact with one's pre-existing mental health problems.

I feel like people want to celebrate life on Easter, but the origins of the holiday (to me, the true reason for the holiday) just make me want to die.