(no subject)

I think I love my hamster more than I love my queerplatonic partner.

I am really properly awful and I should not even be interacted with. (Which may have been a self-deprecating exaggeration but it's how I feel now.)

Relationships and tulpas

I talked to someone I vaguely know about my relationship problems today. She suggested that I break up the relationship. Weirdly enough, now that I've had someone literally verbally (this was an IRL conversation) talk to me about this, I feel more like carrying on with it than anything else. I think it's because it's been acknowledged in real life. (I had previously only talked to Jared about it, and only once, and over text.) That makes it real. That means I can choose whatever I want with it.

*

I was doing some research on tulpas today for various reasons, and...I think Dr. L might be a tulpa. Actually, maybe all my facets are tulpas. I know the defining characteristic of a tulpa is that one creates them on purpose, but what if I created them on accident? Tea has said that he's the way he is because that's how I see the character as whom he started out. Dr. L is insistent that he's just a part of my mind come to life but some of our interactions have been like nothing so much as me trying to visualize him and me controlling certain aspects of him (such as how similar he is to Dr. Lecter - again, a character as whom he started out, although also a character from whom he consciously deviated). Maybe I was creating or shaping them and it was totally unconscious.

I think I might try to create one on purpose now. I'm going to wait, though. I want to get a little underway with Dr. L (and Tea - he's come back lately, bidden for totally unexpected reasons, and he's changed a little bit. Not necessarily for the better. During the time he was back, he dissociated, and I think we need to address that.)

Maybe I've finally found a word for what has been going on in my head.